Songs for Quinn & Rachel
by IrisAyumi
Summary: So, iTunes on shuffle, I started writing this thing. It's pretty experimental, but I hope you like it. Songfics based on Rachel and Quinn. 2 stories, about them. I suck at summaries. Read it anyway?
1. Q1: Ask Me How I Am

**AN: I know, I write too much of this couple. I've never done an iTunes shuffle before, like, you hear a song and write a fic based on it, but I did a while ago. I wrote a couple of them. And I waited with posting them, because I'm really, really unsure if anyone will like this. It's written in first person, another first for me. It's Quinn's first person, by the way. If anyone reacts in a remotely positive manner, I'll post the others, but you can see this as...well... as an experiment. This first one, is based on a song by Snow Patrol. I've really tried to put a lot of the lyrics in it. Maybe that will read a little weird, but ahw, forgive me. Only link I can find to the song is one of a manga vid, but here it is:**

**.com/watch?v=-nzcsN3cR6A&feature=related**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, and I don't own the song Ask Me How I Am by Snow Patrol. I wrote this for fun/experimenting only.**

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* * *

Ask Me How I Am**

I try to keep silent. It's not like I need even more humiliation, and letting someone catch me sobbing in the bathroom would definitely count as humiliating. Not that it would matter, it would be pretty impressive if I'd fall even further down the hierarchy, I don't know if people would even care. Well, yes. I would care. I've got little left, but I'm still clinging to my pride. Everyone can have as much as that, right? I know it may not sound as much, but it's really all I have left so I'm gonna treasure it as much as I can.

I know that I sound pretty pathetic, but give me a break, alright? Teen pregnancy is bad enough without all the other things that I'm going through. It's bad enough already with a place to call home and a solid support system. What have I got? Not a home. A place to stay. I mean, the jumping from couch to couch every 2 nights was very tiring so it was really great of Brit to offer me the guest room. But it's not home. It's at Brittany's. And for the support system... I'm pretty much on my own for that one as well. Brittany and Santana haven't walked away like I probably would have from them, but they're Cheerio's - Santana's even got that precious spot on top of the pyramid now - and they... well... at school, I don't really talk to them anymore. They're at the top of the food chain. I'm at the far bottom. So be it.

Puck isn't exactly what you could call a solid support system either. I know there's a good guy in there. A good man. Not a Lima loser. But he's not there yet. That part of him is buried beneath hormones, wiggling eyebrows and the need to try to get into the pants of anyone with breasts. Being the guy that he is, he usually succeeds in his conquests.

Glee Club? They're... okay. I guess. They opened up their couches and guest rooms for me before I settled at Brittany's. But they are better friends with each other than with me. Everyone has a mate within Glee Club. That, or they fit in so well that they don't need one. They put up with me, and I'm starting to think that Artie and Mercedes actually might like me a little more, but there's no one that's there for... for me. Not like Santana is there for Brit, or like Kurt's there for Mercedes. No. I joined because of Finn, and now that he and Man-Hands are all over each other - why they aren't officially boyfriend-girlfriend yet is beyond me - there's nobody left for me. Say that it's my own fault. Call me egoistic to want someone to stand up for me, just me, or arrogant that I ever dared to hope someone would. But I'm not okay. And I need someone there for me. And I haven't truly got anyone. So today, after having another class of watching Rachel and Finn drool over each other, absorbed in the practically pornographic show of bliss and longing and desire they put up for the rest of us each and every day, I couldn't take it anymore. I asked for a hall pass, and - one of the very few good things about being pregnant - I got one immediately. Mr. Lewis looked like he desperately wanted me to leave as soon as I could, like I was going to explode in his precious classroom. And I fled out. To cry - damn hormones - in this really small bathroom stall. Without really knowing what caused me to break down again. Outside of hormones. I didn't know what triggered the hormones to make me sob today, but I don't care. I've got enough reasons for crying.

I wish I wasn't this alone. I wish someone would just care about me too, already. Care about what I'm feeling. Care enough to want to know how I'm holding up. To want to know how I'm doing. Even though it's just various shades of bad.

I keep on sobbing, softly but audibly if anyone would pay attention. But there's no one here, so I'm all good. At least, until I hear the door open and close. I hear the clicking of a lock. I can't help for the last whimper to escape my lips, and hold my breath before I allow myself to switch to shallow breathing.

A soft voice calls out a name, question mark audibly behind it. It takes me a minute to realize that it's my name this stranger is calling. Which means that it's probably not a stranger. I ponder replying her, and when she calls out my name again, hesitantly, I recognize the voice of Rachel Berry. From under my stall, I see a pair of Mary Jane's carrying small feet, which ascertains me. It's Rachel Berry. I don't want to answer, but then I realize that I just dropped low enough that I'm hiding away from Rachel Berry. Even though her infinitely annoying attitude had improved slightly growing closer to the other Glee kids and her status on the social ladder had gone up when she and Finn started becoming inseparable, she's not above me. Well, on the social ladder she may have passed me, actually. But no way that I'm hiding from Rachel Berry. The roles haven't reversed that much. I haven't lost my tongue. I can still make her shudder with remarks that shatter her pride beyond repair.

So I come out of my stall.

"What, Treasure Trail?"

"I thought that I'd find you here."

"That's just great, Man-Hands. Came here for a good laugh?"  
"No...I saw you leave and..."  
"And?" I pressured, crossing my arms.

"I just wanted to check on you. Make sure that you're alright."

I know my eyes are a little wide. I honestly don't really know what to say, my mind blank. Rachel looks like she is just pushing the hesitance away from her mind and takes a determined stride forwards, taking my hand in both of hers in a surprisingly intimate gesture. In the back of my mind, I notice that this was the first time ever that she and I had any kind of friendly physical contact, and a muted voice inside me wonders what had taken so long. The voice that this usually silenced side of me has grows louder when Rachel speaks the words:

"Please. How are you?"  
I don't know what she was pleading me for, but I feel the urge to give it to her, whatever it may be. I would give it to her. I've prayed for someone to come to my... well... not really rescue, but just to come to me, ever since Finn and I split. But Rachel Berry?!

"How do you think I am?" I spit out, but my voice is soft, instead of the bite that I try to give it.

"You look horrible. I mean, beautiful as always, but horrible. But I just want to know."

"I... I don't know." I suddenly realized it. People had stopped asking me, and I had stopped thinking of a real answer to the question. I didn't know myself.

"Has nobody asked you how you are?" She said in an urgent whisper. I just shook my head. She brings her head closer to mine, and for a second I think that she might be about to kiss me. This thought makes my heart beat faster, and it's with curiosity and... something... desire...ish. I add the -ish in my mind, because desire is just too much to take. But for the full 3 seconds that I think she's going to kiss me, I wonder why I'm not appalled by the thought, but attracted to the possibilities.

No possibilities, but it might as well have been a kiss because this feels just as... private, intimate.

"You look like you might not last the day." She whispers sadly in my ear, her voice growing... soft... caring. She leans back again and pauses for some time, just looking at me, like she's contemplating something.

"Do you wanna get out of here?"  
"We still got 3 more periods. And since when do you skip?" I answered in a weak voice. It wasn't that, I had skipped before, but skipping with Rachel Berry just sounded... insane.

"I know very well how to prioritize my concerns, and right now my greatest concern, and so my greatest priority, is you, Quinn." It's the first time she said my name since the beginning of this unrealistic scene and it sounds somehow more beautiful when she says it. On a whim, I agree.

"Fine. Let's go."

She opens the door and looks around, before grabbing my hand and taking me outside.

She's full of laughter when we arrive at the parking lot.

"Why are you laughing, Berry?"  
"Sorry, it's just the thrill of skipping. It's my first time."  
Her first time skipping is over me? What's up with this girl?

"Why did you say please?" I blurt out.

"What?"  
"You said please before asking me how I was doing. Why please?"  
"I really wanted you to be honest. I thought maybe pleading to your softer side would help."

I realize she has no idea what to do now, and I lead her to my car. We get in, and I start driving away.

After a while, I pull up in the park, get out, and start walking while taking deep breaths. She follows, obviously a little confused by what I'm doing.

I'm not thinking. I'm going on auto-pilot, and that always brings me to my thinking-place. Here. The tree, my tree, waiting to be climbed. I turn around and smile before starting a climb I know so well. I'm not going all the way up, just a few feet in the air really, but I sit down and pat the place next to me invitingly.

She starts up, and my smile widens when it's obvious that she never climbs. It's pretty... cute? Never mind that thought.

I suddenly start freaking out a little. This is my private place. My alone-place. And now I've brought someone. Not anyone, but Rachel Berry. She could ruin it. If she ruins this afternoon, she ruins this place, my sanctuary. What was I thinking? Oh, right. I wasn't.

She sits down next to me, and her arm is touching mine across the whole length. I like the contact, so I don't break it. Maybe even I didn't realize exactly how lonely I've really felt lately. Then she opens her mouth again. Silence is not her strongest feat, even I know that about her.

"I wouldn't have made it very far." She pauses a second, before adding: "You are truly admirable. It's very brave, doing what you're doing."  
"Or I'm making the biggest mistake of my life."  
"Foolishness and bravery often go hand in hand, my friend." She says it like she's old and wise, and for a minute I actually believe she is. Then I start laughing. But the wisdom of the words isn't lost on me.

"I guess you're right."

"Why aren't you dating Finn officially yet?"

"That's quite a... a personal question, Quinn."

"I brought you to my tree," I say, realizing she doesn't know that this is my tree. Somehow, she seems to understand though.

"Okay, fine. I'm not dating Finn, because... my heart's not in it."

"You've been coming on to him for the last 4 months non-stop. Be reasonable."

"Think. When is the last time you saw me touching Finn? Not him touching me. Me touching him."

"I... I don't know."  
"I can tell you, it's been a long time. I like him. But I've come to see the... flaws, that before I was too blind to see."  
"You mean like the fact that he's got an IQ that matches Brittany's?"  
"Yes. Things like that. And I'm just... trying to get to know him better, and see how much I really like him."  
"That's a smart thing to do."  
"I'm a smart girl."

Another silence. It doesn't feel awkward, I know it doesn't, but somehow to me it still has that awkward vibe. She doesn't feel that I'm scrambling for bravery, but I do. I suck in a deep breath, and try to breathe in a little bit of the bravery that radiates out of the girl next to me.

"I'm sorry." Not enough bravery to scream it out, I guess, but that doesn't matter. It's soft, but audible, judging by her head jerking my way.

"Why are you saying that?" She asks, her voice high with surprise. Was it really that surprising? I guess it must have been, and the guilt leaves a bitter aftertaste.

"I've not made amends for yesterday, my lip won't get me out of it... Waking up, dreading hearing tales of all my nightmares being true." I say it with a glassy look in my eyes, not really thinking about the words leaving my mouth. The silence makes me snap back, and her eyebrow is arched confusedly.

"I mean... I have never apologized to you before. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. I've been awful to you since day one, and so many wrongs are hard to even try to begin to right. How do you apologize for such a thing, you know?" I tried to smile.

"You just do," she says sternly.  
"I know."  
She looks at me like she just realized that I actually apologized to her.

"You just did!" She said.

I nod, and a wave of pride washes over me. So, maybe not everything's right. But it's a good start.

"And the last part?"  
"Sorry, that wasn't part of the apology."  
"Waking up, dreading hearing tales of all my nightmares being true." She said it with a tone of revere, and I blush a scarlet red.

"Well... yeah. I mean, it's just something that passed through my mind. You know. I wake up, every day, and every time I'm confronted with my worst nightmares, being alone, not having a home or a pair of loving parents. Everything and everyone keeps confronting me with the truth. That I'm living the nightmare. You will make your dreams come true - I'm sure of that - but I made my nightmares come true instead."

I feel an arm around me. Rachel pulls me close, in a warm hug. And it is just all things good. Comfort. Caring. Friendship. Positivity. Hope. Love. It's the kind of hug I haven't received in far too long, and I cling to her, desperately wanting to hold on to this moment, in which I'm not alone. When we're going back to school, this moment will dissolve into nothing more than a dreamlike memory, and we'll probably never mention it again. I need to make the most of it.

Rachel however does pull back after a way too short a while and my body instantly yearns to touch her again. I look at our hands, and touch mine to hers. It's not as good as her arm around me, but it's better than nothing. I look up at her, and see a scared look in her eyes, but it softens immediately after I stroke my thumb across her hand and look back at her with thankful eyes. Her eyes soften, like the problem just disappeared, and the longer I look at her, the more liquid her gaze seems to be. Instinctively, I feel that this is a fragile moment, this gaze. It's like a crossroad. Like, if I turn away, we part as enemies and she might just become me. Or if I release her hand too soon, or move it in any way that doesn't feel exactly right, we'll never speak again. It's insane, but that's what it feels like.

What is the way to go when her gaze intensifies, and she slowly but surely moves her hand to my cheek, before cupping my chin? I know that my breath hitches in my throat. But what will happen next? My mind denies the other possibilities. We part as friends. We part as enemies. We part as nothing. Those are the options. When she moves a little closer and I immediately scoot eagerly closer to her, I don't want to think about what's coming next. Thinking will make me back out. And I don't want to. She leans in closer, and I mirror her movement, tuning out my thoughts without a problem, gaze unwavering until I she closes my eyes, confirming what I already know is going to happen. Her hand moves to the back of my neck, pulling me in to close that last inch, and I touch my lips to hers.

It's kind of like the hug, only in the extreme. More comforting, caring, loving, everything. Even more friendship, although this may not be exactly what friends do.

But mostly, when I feel our lips molding together in a soft but longed-for kiss, my heart flutters with a sparkle of hope - a sparkle like the one Rachel gets in her eyes whenever she sings - that makes me believe, for the first time in a long time, that maybe there's a chance for this mess to be sorted out. Maybe, I'll be just fine.

When Rachel pulls back, I'm left breathless. I haven't blushed like this since my very first kiss, and my insides feel like mush. When is the last time I've been this soft? My heart is pounding and Rachel - being Rachel - can't help but open her mouth. First; no sound, for a welcome change. Then she finds her voice, and utters one word: "Wow." and it's that voice that brings me back to reality. I just kissed RuPaul. Man Hands. Treasure Trail. Rachel. Berry. I kissed Rachel. Sitting in my tree.

I go into panic-mode - can you blame me? - and I curse myself for bringing her here, because no matter what happens net: my sanctuary will never be the same again. I try to think of a course of action, but I don't even know what I want.

Then, Rachel says in her happiest tone the worst possible words: "You have feelings for me!"

The words sure hit home, but not in any way she probably wanted them to. If I would have feelings for Rachel, I would be in love with a girl. I can't be in love with a girl. I'm not in love with a girl. She thinks I'm in love with a girl. With her.

My thoughts are frantic, thinking about her, about her adorable smile and amazing ambitions. But my instincts kick back in, and with every positive thought of her that crosses my mind, my mouth utters the opposite.

"You're insane, RuPaul! I could never, ever feel something other for you than disgust. You're ugly, pushy, annoying and you should finally let it sink in that nobody will ever want you. In 20 years, the only thing people are going to think about when they hear the name Rachel Berry is you, dripping with a slushie's sweet disgrace and trying to hold back your tears. You're weak, and the world outside of Lima will eat you alive the minute you step in it on those horribly Mary Jane's of yours. You and your best-of-argyle sweaters collection and the way too short skirts you wear to attract the attention of hormone's too willing eyes, you won't make it. You're not good enough, so don't act like you are. You're just another Lima Loser, like everybody else, and gay at that!" I sneer. It's the longest speech I've ever given Rachel, and when I see Rachel's lip trembling...

I run. I almost fly out of the disgraced tree, the only place where I usually wasn't the Quinn Bee, and I run, as fast as I can, leaving Rachel behind.

2:17 AM. I've got no school tomorrow, it's Saturday, but that doesn't mean I want to be awake right now. I'd much rather sleep thatn stay up like this, wasting my time with thoughts of Rachel. I've been racking my brain, and come to the conclusion that there's no other option: I've gone insane. I'm probably either psychotic or just a maniac, because this wouldn't be happening if I would be in my right mind.

My phone goes off, and it takes me a minute to realize that it's a really strange time to get a call. Who in the world would be awake right now?

"It's Quinn,"

"Quinn!" I almost hang up immediately when I hear her voice.

"What is it, Berry?" I sneer.

"You're awake?"  
"You're asking?" I counter, before asking: "Why are you calling me?"  
"I... I was thinking about you... and I needed to talk to you... so..."  
"So what, you decided to call me in the middle of the night?"  
"So I took a breath, and grabbed the phone... Secretly hoping you're not home, so I'd leave a message I was out-"  
"_You_ are out?"

"...out of my mind with drink and drugs." She finishes.

I freeze. Rachel... Rachel crashed and burned.

"What the hell, Berry!?"

"Quinn, I really, really need your help right now. I need you to pick me up, okay? And please consider hearing me out later. But I'm too drunk to drive but not enough to think that I'm not so-"  
"Where are you?"  
Rachel gave the address, and I'm on my way. Not sure why, but I can't leave her hanging on like that, maybe she would crash or something.

I arrived and dragged her out of a brown cafe. She pops a breath mint in her mouth and without a word, we get in my car.

"I'm sorry for kissing with you, Quinn. I honestly didn't expect to freak you out that much."  
"What are you doing, Rachel?" I say, a little angrily but mostly worried.

Her mouth looks and she looks like I just stabbed her or something.

"You said my name!!" I did? I did.

"Come on, it's no big deal, it's just your name."  
"It's the first time you said it to me..." Okay, I don't like this. It has a lot of getting-awkward potential.

"You're changing the subject! What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
"Getting drunk. Not all of us are obstructed by pregnancies."  
"Since when do you get drunk?"  
"Since a blonde ex-Cheerio broke my spirit after giving Finn something he can never live up to."

I flinch. I can't believe she actually said it like this. To me. The guilt stings.

"Oh come on, I've given you worse."  
"No you haven't. Especially not after apologizing. Not after kissing back. You totally kissed me back, and we both know it, Quinn. Make a left here."  
I turn the steering wheel and try to grasp her reasons for this escapade.

"So, what, you've got some lesbian crush on me now or something?"  
"I don't know, but whatever it is, you felt it too. Take a turn here, that's my street."  
"What are you gonna tell your dads?"  
"I'm not telling them anything. They're at a congress for the weekend."

"You're home alone?"  
"I'll be fine."  
"You're a lot of things, but fine isn't on the list!" The need to protect her from herself runs through me. My mother instincts kicking in?

"What would you suggest?"  
"I don't know, but I don't really think that I can leave you here by yourself."  
"Well, you're not staying. I can really only ask so much of you, and I've already asked more than that."

"You don't have to ask. I'll stay."

Rachel shrugs, but avoids my eyes. I park, we get out and after some fumbling - dropping the keys, twice - she manages to open the door to the Berry household. After flicking on some lights, she looks at me before dashing up the stairs. I curse softly before darting after her, somehow she made it up alright. I walk in the room, barely taking it in, because I'm focused on a shivering silhouette with arms wrapped around her knees. I sit down next to her and start undressing her. When she's in her underwear, I put her in bed and tuck her in. She keeps on shivering, even after I give her an extra blanket, and I close my eyes and pray for forgiveness for what I'm about to do. I've known the whole time that it would come to this. If it wouldn't have been for her peace of mind... at least for mine, I finally admit to myself. I strip down until I'm in my underwear too, and crawl in next to her. She hardly notices the dip in the mattress, but she definitely notices me pulling her close, warming her, calming her by letting my skin touch hers at so many places at once. She turns around, facing me, and I can't fight the strength to resist her, even if I had the will.

She kisses me forcefully and clams a leg around me. I won't deny it; I'm tempted to do something that she's willing to do. But I pull back and gaze into glimmering eyes that suddenly seem plenty sober to me.

"Go to sleep, Rach."  
"No, you're here. I can't waste my time."  
"I'll be here tomorrow, I promise."  
"What exactly do you promise?"  
"I promise... time. And a new apology for saying the opposite of what I meant."  
"We'll have time?"  
"I'll make sure we do."

"Promise?"  
"Promise."

The absence of Rachel's voice is filled with the sound of Rachel snuggling closer to me, and as I put my arm around her, I realize it. The loneliness is gone. Instead, I am going to fall asleep, holding a girl, the one who asked me how I was. I am no longer alone.


	2. R1: Just Like Heaven

**AN: YES. I am well aware of the fact that this is about half as short as the previous one. But when the story is done, it's done :)**  
**It's my first time writing from Rachel's POV - in fact, it's the first time writing from a POV that's not Quinn. Let me tell you guys, DAMN it's hard to write from Rachel's POV! Rachel Berry is one difficult character to write, so first, compliments to the Glee writers for thinking this girl up and even keeping her like she is, annoying as she may be. Point: There's a big fat chance that I got heavily OOC on a couple of occasions, feel free, feel MORE than free to point it out, because staying in character is definitely something that I really wanna work on. I do hope that you like it. The song is Just Like Heaven by The Cure. For the original on Youtube:**

**.com/watch?v=n3nPiBai66M**

**I'm... curious to desperate with wanting to know how badly I messed up with writing not-Quinn, so any and all reviews are greatly appreciated. Like, I mean, my heart starts beating faster when I read that I've got a review, and my eyes start shining with eagerness. Reviews are, to put it plain, the best thing ever.**

**Enjoy the story, and I hope you like it! :)**

**Oh, wait, maybe I should have mentioned this earlier :P Quinn's not pregnant! She joined Glee, but she's combining it with the Cheerio's. She does hang out with the Gleeks, though.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I don't own any of the characters, and I don't own the rights to the song Just Like Heaven by The Cure. Wow, I feel really lame summing up all these supercool things that I do not own.**

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**Just Like Heaven**

Quinn Fabray is very ticklish.

Who would have guessed? It is a nice surprise to find out about her. It adds to her humanity, usually so cleverly covered up by her uniform. And the fact that I am one of the few persons she allows to tickle her, adds to our evolving friendship. Her smile as she obviously enjoys the physical contact, honest happiness in her eyes - which is something I rarely see in her hazel orbs these days - is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Finn is cute, very cute, and tall and quite handsome. But Quinn has this obvious, undeniable beauty, that is clear to everyone. Even someone like Artie, who doesn't pay attention to the looks of other girls then Tina, has admitted that he thought Quinn was a natural beauty. It's just there, and you can't look past it. And it's never more obvious then when her guard is down.

I am delighted to declare that she has commenced letting her guard down around me when we started becoming friends a couple of weeks ago. When she joined Glee, she actually became somewhat approachable, and so we started talking on occasion. Bonding over Glee, Finn and Puck and your typical "girl-stuff", we found that we actually got along quite well. The only bad thing is that, now she lets her guard down around me, she has become even more beautiful to me. It almost hurts to look at her, and although it's insane, everytime I see her happy, I myself am overjoyed.

These circumstances have driven us to the point where we are now; in the practice room, hours after Glee is done. My parents think that I am home, where they will not be tonight. Her parents think that she is with Santana, but instead, she chose to stay behind. Here, with me. Neither of us want to leave this room, where we have been bonding, sharing and laughing ever since Glee stopped. The sun will set soon, and the school is probably going to close within the hour. Outside of the janitors, who will be leaving soon, we are alone. About to be locked in the school overnight, but too absorbed to care. Right now, there is nothing I want more than being locked in the school overnight with Quinn Fabray. I know where they have stacked the mattresses from the commercial, I'm sure we can find one if we need to, and food is not a problem either; we raided pretty much every locker we knew how to break into and the teacher's lounge had quite a heap of nourishment as well. I even have clean clothes, since there was no slushie facial today. Theoretically, we could stay here all night long, never breaking this moment. Neither of us has really brought up the fact that we should be going home, and I really don't want to. And I know she doesn't either.

She doubles over in laughter when I don't stop tickling her.

"Stop! Stop, Rachel! STOPSTOPSTOP!" I pull my hands away and she keeps on giggling a little while I give her a little time to catch her breath.

"You know Rachel, there's no one who can find the weak spots on my body as well as you can." She says, still laughing a little, looking flustered and breathing hard.

She suddenly stands up and pulls me with her.

"Show me how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream" she said

"The one that makes me laugh" she said

And threw her arms around my neck

"Show me how you do it

And I promise you I promise that

I'll run away with you

I'll run away with you"

I must have heard incorrectly, though it sounds strangely familiar. Is it because these are words that, in one way or another, I have imagined her saying to me in my dreams over and over again?

"What?" I ask.

The exuberant smile drops from her face as she realizes what I understood from her words, and I immediately feel stupid for saying anything that could wipe a smile like that away.

"Those are lyrics, to an 80's song. Just Like Heaven by The Cure?" I noticed that she had yet to remove her arms from my neck.  
Explaining why it sounded so awfully familiar.

"Alternative rock music isn't exactly my style, Quinn. I'm more the Broadway kind of girl. And I enjoy ballads, of course."

"You're not serious." She rolls her eyes, exaggerating the sarcasm in a way that could only be called endearing. It warmed my heart so it melted a little.

_Spinning on that dizzy edge_

_I kissed her face and kissed her head_

_And dreamed of all the different ways I had_

_To make her glow_

_"Why are you so far away?" she said_

_"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you_

_That I'm in love with you" _

I punish her for her sarcastic remark by tickling her again, and she doubled over again. I love that I know exactly how her body's going to react, although it also makes me sad. I know that I could use my power, my knowledge of exactly how my touches can affect her, for other uses. I could make love to her, and she wouldn't know what hit her. I'm fairly certain that there's not a person out there who knows her body as well as I do at this point in time.

When she begs for mercy, I stop again, and she throws her arms around me again in ecstasy. I stare up into her eyes and find myself completely and utterly absorbed by the mix between laughter and a serious look in them. I forget to breathe until the dizziness catches up with me. I press a kiss to her cheek, and standing on my tiptoes I manage to touch my lips to her forehead. Her face is glowing, and again I think with sorrow of all the things I could do to her that would surely make her so happy. The amazing things that will never happen, because I'll never have the chance. She's a straight, Christian girl, who has a history of valuing her popularity over anything else and who used to detest me to her core. All things added, I know that I stand little a chance with her. So I'll have to take this, a friendship, knowing that she would probably love it too if it ever became more, but she would never give herself a chance to find out. With her face mere inches away from mine, she is just so close. Body to body. Breath to breath. She is closer to me than I ever would have imagined 6 months ago. Yet, the definition of out of my reach.

"Why are you so far away?" I whisper.

"Why won't you ever know, that I'm in love with you?"  
"Oh, you do know the song! Right? I mean, I didn't really hear you there. I thought it was the song. You gotta speak up, Rach. I know for a fact your voice is louder and more piercing than this. What was it you--"

"That I'm in love with you."

I don't really know what I'm doing. It's the truth. These are just the lyrics, but I think the look in my eyes is giving away that it more. If she somehow gets the nerve to ask me about it, I can always hide behind the song.

She brings her head a little closer to mine, angling it forward. My heart starts racing. Does she realize?

"I love you, too."

I don't know what to say to her. But I don't have to speak, for the first time. Because before I have a chance to reply, she moves as a flash of lightning and presses her lips to mine.

The door slams with a loud noise. This is our last chance. If we wanna leave, we gotta sprint out now. But neither of us does. Because Quinn is kissing me. And there is not a single thing in the world that could possibly keep me from her right now. Nothing can hinder me in living at least some of my fantasies; declaring my love, kissing her, being completely honest with her. She pulls away, and I am scared that she's going to say that it was a mistake. But she only says:

"Ready to dig for those mattresses we've earned?"  
"It's a relief to know that our hard work at that commercial after all gets an opportunity to pay off." I reply smiling.

_You_

_Soft and only_

_You_

_Lost and lonely_

_You_

_Strange as angels_

_Dancing in the deepest oceans_

_Twisting in the water_

_You're just like a dream_

I grab her hand and lead her backstage, to where the costumes - and I know, the mattresses - are. It takes some dragging, but somehow we manage to get 2 mattresses out in the music room. Also, some pieces of fabric that could be used for blankets. She falls down, and drags me with her, pulling me inside her arms, kissing me deeply.

The longer she kisses me, the more certain I am. It's her. Boys aren't it for Rachel Berry. It's Quinn. This is what I have been longing for more than anything, and the truth - however confronting it may be - is that boys don't have such long, blonde soft hair, or sweet whispers of slender fingers. It's her, and her only, with her feather light touch, and soft skin. My mind soars with the comprehension, that it is so right that we have finally found each other. Both of us have lost our ways more than once, and I know that we both have experienced rejection and loneliness. But this, swimming through the blankets and feeling weightless as if in water or air, this is my point being proven. Although these touches are strange to each other, with a girl on both giving and receiving end, I prove my knowledge of her body in this chance that I have. And I know that she knows it, too. That there is no one in the world who can touch her like I can. Just like there is no one in the world who can do to me what she does, sometimes even without her knowing. When at last we have worn each other out for the moment with kisses and love, and lay ourselves down for sleep, she folds her body around mine. The sun is closer to rising again than to it's setting several hours ago, and I whisper in her ear with a ticklish breath that has her giggling again:

"You're just like a dream."

Even before I close my eyes, I know that she is my dream. That she will be my dream again this night. And when I fall asleep, I turn out to be right again, as I dream about the girl who's body is molded against mine.

_Daylight licked me into shape_

_I must have been asleep for days_

_And moving lips to breathe her name_

_I opened up my eyes_

_And found myself alone alone_

_Alone above a raging sea_

_That stole the only girl I loved_

_And drowned her deep inside of me _

I wake up, cold, and stretch my body. The light of day is coming through the window, my body feels strained and I am tired and disorientated. I never wake up because of the light. And there is no music. I do know, however, where I am. How could I forget, when this night has been all that was in my dreams tonight?

"Quinn?" I say breathily, before opening my eyes.

There is no Quinn. I look beside me, and don't even find a mattress to prove that she was there before. There is no trace that she actually spend the night with me outside of my memory. I know I'm not crazy. I don't think so. Dreams have seemed real at times, but not this real. As realization starts dawning, I blink away my tears. I hear a sea of teens flooding the school and imagine my schoolmates walking through the halls. That's where she is. With them. Curse them. Those Cheerio's. Why does she feel that desperate need to be something she isn't? That peer pressure, they push you into a perfect shape and force you to mold yourself to fit it. Quinn has more than that shape inside of her, and I saw it, but when the morning came she just slipped into the form that she knows so well. They took her away from me again. But not after this night. I don't know if I would rather have the night not happening at all. Sure, it was one of the best nights of my life, if not the best, but is anything worth this crushing pain?

_You_

_Soft and only_

_You_

_Lost and lonely_

_You_

_Just like heaven _

I take away the mattress and slip inside a bathroom to change and make sure that I look presentable. When I trace the steps that I make every day, I can't seem to get my head into the day. I can only get my head into the night, with sweet whispers, soft touches, a feeling of unity and a place to belong. So sure, that she was going to be the only one. It stings that she still is, she still feels like my only one. But she obviously cannot handle any kind of serious relationship with me. Not if she wants to keep her position, and who was I to give up that strong position for, that she had worked so hard for to acquire? No, she was to return to the way it had been, and I was too. Back to feeling lost. Back to lonely nights. Only a little bit worse now, knowing exactly what I was missing.

I walk to my locker, keeping my eyes on the ground, still fighting back tears, but hopefully I would be strong enough to handle it, strong enough to make it through the day without breaking down. When I look up again - Rachel Berry walks with her head held high - I see the shape of Quinn leaning against my locker. She is talking to Santana, but as I rapidly near her, she gestures for Santana to go ahead without her. Santana hesitates, staying within a few feet's distance. Quinn steps aside to let me go to my locker, and I make sure that I don't look in her eyes. If I look, I know I will see her rejection and denial of last night. Or maybe I will see no emotion at all. And while those hours where she felt so trusted are sealing themselves inside my heart, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see her regret, I don't want to see her acting like it never happened. I myself am already doubting the truth enough as it is; part of me becomes surer every minute that it was just a hallucination or a dream. How great is the chance that Quinn Fabray would kiss me? Ticklish or not, that kind of physical contact remains unlikely. I have already deluded myself enough, dreaming of relationships that the president of the Celibacy club, a religious straight girl - who is supposed to hate me - would never pursue. Not even if she could possibly want to. Perhaps it really was all a dream.

That is, until I feel her lips touch my ear, and I hear the softest possible, yet audible, whisper:  
"You're just like heaven."  
I turn around like someone stabbed me, but I see her walking off with Santana again, ponytail dancing behind her.

Maybe she's not ready now. But maybe, someday she will be.

And when that day comes, I will still be there. I'll wait until she's ready. Because she's just like heaven, too. 


	3. Q2: Glitter In The Air

**AN: WARNING! DANGER! This is so fluffy, you'll get cavities. I swear to god, it's even making me almost sick this time. Almost. It's so sweet. Ugh. So, I switched things up. I'm making this... 2 stories. It's still the iTunes-shuffle-songfic thing, but it's 2 things. You may have noticed (or you may have to pay more attention) that the first story is from Quinn's POV and the second one from Rachel's. Now, this one is from Quinn's POV again, and it's continuing the FIRST story, Ask Me How I Am! This story overlapses the 24 hours that follow after Quinn wakes up in... Rachel's room. AHHH!**

**The song is called Glitter in the Air, and it's from Pink. Youtube link:**

.com/watch?v=7TTKlJ3H4PQ

**I listened to it writing this. I put my iTunes on shuffle, and then when I saw the title, I went for the lyrics and started developing this in my mind, listening to this song on repeat the whole time writing it just so I could get the mood right.  
It's now been played 77 times, because this is the longest shot yet. Although, I can't really call them one-shots anymore, can I?****If anyone has anything to say about this idea, good or bad, say it.**

**If anyone has a song request: I'm most definitely not opposed. I'll check the song out, and see if I get inspired. If I do, you've got yourself a chapter.**

**I really, REALLY, REAAAAAAAAAAAALLLY love getting a review. Every review is more than greatly appreciated, and if you're reading this, and liking it, but haven't let me know by reviewing it yet... Step out of your review-closet and TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! =D**

**As a final note: Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, the song Glitter In The Air or anything else I may refer to.**

* * *

**Glitter in the Air**

_Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?  
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it  
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?__  
Have you ever looked fear in the face  
And said I just don't care_

6:30 AM

I shoot up, scared out of my mind until I close my eyes and force myself to count to 5. When my mind isn't in a frenzied state anymore, I open my eyes a little, as if to deny where I am. I kind of think for a second that I'm in my little cousin Mimi's room, but when I see the pictures of 2 men with Rachel Berry between them, I remember. A shiver runs through me, and I wanna crawl under the blankets again, but when I see that it would mean lying down next to Rachel, I decide to get up first. The clock on the wall tells me that it's 6:30 AM. It's Saturday, dark outside, and I walk up to the window to see... snowflakes, slowly dropping from the sky.

The first snow of the year always has me smiling, and when I allow myself to feel the magic, I decide to look at the girl in the bed. She looks tiny. Her hair is tangled, spread on her pillow, and there's a smile on her face. She's beautiful, finally relaxed, guard down, not talking, not overambitious, just soft. Somehow she looks even more vulnerable than last night, and suddenly the thought of laying down beside her seems very alluring. Since I'm already going to hell, I might as well go for it and do it good, I think. So on top of just crawling in the bed, I pull her as close as I can, and with a small but pleasurable sound she amends and molded the shape of her body to fit mine better.

9:00 AM

Waking up, she still was curled up against me, her resting on my shoulder. I look down, to see her looking up at me the only way she knows how: intently. When she sees me staring back, I would have thought she'd blink and be all embarrassed. Instead, she doesn't break her gaze, and I can't bring myself to tear away, until she whispers: "Do you want to get up?"  
_No._

"Sure, it should be about time to eat, and-"  
"We don't have to get up, you know."

"I wanna get up. In 10 more minutes."  
"That's alright."

I pull her closer, letting my fingers cup her chin, but my movement is slow and hesitant.

"Can I..."

Whether I can or not, I definitely can't say it. So instead, I do it without asking, and press a kiss on her voluptuous lips.

When I pull back, she says: "You can."  
So, I press another kiss on her lips. And another. And a fourth. And then I hear a strange sound.

Rachel giggles. "That's my stomach. I have a very strict eating pattern, and by this time breakfast has usually long gone by. So naturally my stomach is reacting to the lack of nutrition that it should have gotten by now, since breaking my daily pattern is extremely rare."  
I stay silent for a second, and wonder when I have gotten as stupid as Brittany.

"Oh! You're hungry!"

"You could put it like that."

I get a thought that I surprise myself with, but I listen to it immediately.

"Wait here."  
"What?"  
"Stay, okay? Stay."  
"You're not leaving, are you?"  
"I keep my promises. I'm not leaving. But you are staying, right, here! Okay?"  
"Okay..."  
"Good girl."

I swiftly stroke her hair before jumping up and heading down the stairs. Now, this is the part that I didn't really think through. I don't know what the Berry household looks like, or how their kitchen works, but well. It just seemed like a really good idea. Making Rachel breakfast. Romantic and sweet and generally nice. A little bit strange, since I'm not really used to being all fluffy, but I kinda like it. So I start raiding the kitchen, searching for inspiration, and I find it when I find a waffle iron. I can work with this. After digging through every cabinet - out of one of which fell a pan, on my toe - and setting things up, I find that I like it surprisingly much. Being nice to Rachel. I know that she's going to like this a lot, it's typically the kind of gesture that she really enjoys. I make some coffee, and after setting things up, I carefully carry it up the stairs. I set it outside and open the door. Rachel's sitting in her bed straight up, wide awake and curious but excited.  
"You gotta close your eyes, okay?"  
She nods and shuts her eyes tightly, and adorably. I smile and carry the tray inside, putting it on the bed before sitting beside it.

"Now, open your mouth."  
She frowns a little.

"I'm not going to poison you, Rachel. Trust me."  
A dark eyebrow arches at that, but she opens her mouth enough for me to work with.

I take a little piece of the waffle in my hand, and carefully slip it between her separated lips. She makes a small surprised sound before trapping my finger between them. She swallows, and bites lovingly on my finger before setting it free.

"You shouldn't bite the hand that feeds you, you know."

"I shall remember that for next time."  
"You can open your eyes again, as long as you open your mouth as well. Next time is now."

She opens her eyes, and they are glistening with excitement and happiness, before willingly opening her mouth.

I slip another bite of the waffle inside of her, and instead of biting my finger, she suckles on it a little before giggling. The giggle is sweet, but the feeling of her mouth around my finger makes my breath stuck in my throat.

"Better?"

"So much."

10:30 AM

After breakfast, we put on some clothes and go outside to enjoy the snowy day. It's cold, but there is a sun high up in the sky. There's no-one else outside; Saturday, people usually stay in as long as they can. Today is no exception, so that when Rachel and I take our slow steps outside, we leave the first footprints in the virginal white mass.

"There's something really great about walking on snow that all others have yet to walk on. Like it's ground that nobody has yet entered."

"I think it's a little bit sad. It's so beautiful, so perfectly white, and then one person goes out and messes it all up."  
"Or 2," I add

"In this case 2."

She walks on and I stay behind just a little, scraping some snow from the nearest car. She turns around.

"Quinn, are you ok-"

SPLAT!

I hit her, and hit her good. She shakes her head wildly, so that her hair is not only tousled, but also more covered in snow.

"Oh, you are getting that back!"  
"I dare you."

She picks up some snow from the ground, and slowly walks to me. I don't move.

"You should duck away or something."  
"I don't want to."  
"That was a really stupid thing to say, Quinn."

She lounges herself on me, throwing us both to the ground where in the summer there's usually grass, and rubs the snow into my hair. An almost slushie-like brainfreeze runs through me, but I start laughing and shaking my head towards her, so that the drips fly on to her like when a dog shakes his fur. She laughs the most free and uncontrolled laugh I had ever heard coming out of her mouth, and I pull her a little closer. The laugh dies on her lips.

"Quinn, this is a small town."  
"Tell me something I don't know."

"People may be watching. This is the kind of town where people are watching from behind their windows. They know me, and they know you."

I look around Rachel, and see that we're really in sight for everyone to see. Windows all around us, and if anyone would look out of either of them, conclusions would be easily jumped to. My heart beats faster at the thought of everyone knowing about this moment, and what it might mean. It's scary. I don't even know what this might mean, and I sure as hell don't want McKinley High on my back about this. Another tag added to cheater, Gleek, ex-Cheerio and pregnant. In love with Rachel Berry. That's what would happen. And my heart beats a little faster at the fear that those thoughts bring.

I turn back to Rachel and see her getting ready to get out of my grip, and I realize that I desperately don't want her to. So damn fear. Damn being scared. There's a time to be scared, and there's a time to put yourself over it.

I pull her on top of me, nuzzling her so that she shares my brainfreeze. Then I say:

"I just don't care." And bring my lips to hers.

* * *

_It's only half past the point of no return__  
The tip of the iceberg  
The sun before the burn  
The thunder before lightning  
__The breathe before the phrase  
Have you ever felt this way?_

11:50 AM

"Quinn, I... I just..."  
We are sitting on the big and comfy couch in the Berry's living room, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. We're both stretched out, she leaning against one armrest and I'm leaning against the opposite one. A silence fell, and she started with that.

"Rachel Berry is at a loss for words?" I say slightly mocking, daring her to speak her mind.

"I... Thank you. I don't know what would have happened last night if you hadn't saved me from myself. I don't know what came over me, it's atypical for me to act out like that, and if I would ever act out I would probably do so when my dads were actually in town, so they knew about my rebellion. How can I thank you?"  
I bite my lip. There's something, but it's not easily done.

"Can you start forgiving me for being so cruel to you? For all the years, of course, but this one especially for yesterday. I know I hurt you pretty badly."  
"Yes, you can say that, since that night I decided to get drunk for the first time in my young life."

"Forgive me? Or, try?"

"Can you tell me why you did it? And why you won't do it again?"

The hard part. Always a hard part with Rachel.

"Mostly... shock. It's pretty scary to get kissed by... a girl. And I enjoyed it. But it just scared me so much. I kissed a girl."

"...and you liked it."  
"Yes," I laugh. "That's scary. I had never even considered girls as an option before yesterday. I was completely unprepared. And... I was mad at you. You made my already complicated life even more complex by messing with my sexual orientation. But I won't ever be shocked again, because there will never again be a first time that I am forced to consider kissing girls. Not after yesterday."  
"Consider yourself forgiven."  
"Just like that!?"  
"To err is human, to forgive is divine. You have proven yourself human once again, and I..."  
"Am a goddess?"  
"Well, maybe that goes a little far, but that is a little what I'm getting at."

"...You're gonna have to be a little bit more modest than that if you wanna be with me."

"What do you mean 'be with me'?"

I fall silent, and the mood changes within seconds.

"I don't know," I answer quietly.

"I don't think we should just... jump into this, Quinn. That's not a good idea. I'm sorry, but this whole thing came rather unsuspected. 24 hours ago you had never even taken the trouble to call me by my given name. We should be careful, keep an exit to go back to the way things were open for as long as we can. We have no idea what we're getting ourselves into."

"I don't know if we can just go back, Rachel."

"We still can. We're on the balancing point. We're on an inbetween. And I am determined to stay there as long as we need to, until we're both sure."

"You're smart, but you have to promise me to tell me if you ever feel yourself tipping over to either side. Then I will do the same."

"Of course, the only way it's going to work is if we're honest about that."  
"Alright. Agreed, then. We'll... spend some time, and see how things work out."  
"Good. By the way..."  
"Yes?"  
She puts down her coco and leans over towards me, hovering over me.

"The odds are heavily in your favor, as it looks like right now. I have never felt this way."

Before I can react, I feel her lips on mine once more.

* * *

_Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?__  
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone__  
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?  
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?  
_

3:00 PM

I'm sitting on my bed, at home. Not with Brittany, but my home. I got a call from my sister today, that my parents were coming to visit her this weekend. She wanted me to come with them, to see me again too. But I replied honestly that I really didn't see that happening. They were spending the night there, and would go to church there tomorrow, not returning until the evening. I miss home. So I grabbed my key, and told Brittany that I would see her tomorrow.

It does feel good to be home. There's no place like it, and I wasn't ready to leave it when I had to. My room looks exactly the same. Everything looks exactly the same. And at first, I felt so good. Just doing what I always did, coming home, taking my place on the couch, pouring some coffee. It felt trusted. But then I looked around, and it felt cold. So I turned up the heater, and when that didn't work I grabbed a blanket. But it still felt cold. It took me 20 minutes of absolute silence and cold to realize that it wasn't the temperature. It was the house. And it was the fact that I was alone in the house. Home is not just your house, it's also a place that is filled with people that you love.

I left Rachel's around 12:30, I think, because her dads were coming home. She was going to explain to them what happened between us, but thought that it might go a lot easier if I wasn't there with her. She was probably right. But now, the same loneliness that drove me and Rachel together in the first place, was back. I catch myself checking my phone twice a minute to see if she maybe had send me a text or something, and I'm very annoyed with myself for acting so childishly.

_Come on. You saw her today. You just saw her, it hasn't been 3 hours yet. You can't be this desperate for contact, it's unhealthy! You shouldn't just be sitting around here, waiting for the phone to ring. You don't need her to stalk you to know that she cares or something. Stop. Stop. Stop._

I close my eyes, trying to get my mind to calm down and stop obsessing over the phone, when I hear the sound. I've imagined it so many times in the last hours that I think that I've gone insane and it's just in my mind, but when I frantically take it, I see caller-ID identifying the number as...

"Hey Rach,"  
"Hmm, so now it's Rach already? You're shortening my name drastically, and I like this, but I do not like where this is heading! Just so you know, I refuse to be called R, like you call Santana and Brittany S and B. I'm not responding to a letter. I think it's crazy that you respond to one, although Q is a rather rare letter to start a name with, and I don't think that there's anyone else at our school with a name that starts with a Q, so that might just be the exception. But I'm not responding to a letter. It conflicts with my unique persona to answer to something as non-personal as R."

I smile and ignore the unnecessary tirade. "How are you, Rach?"

"I'm doing alright, I guess."  
"Alright? Did they react badly?"

"What do you think? They were prouder of me than when I won my first dance competition. You should have heard them gloating about how happy they were that I liked someone of the same-sex."  
"I suppose that's how it goes with 2 dads. Then what's with the 'Alright' instead of ecstatic as usual?"  
"I don't know if I can tell you."  
"I think you can."  
"It's rather stupid, but I already... miss you, or something. I wish you didn't have to go so soon."

"Well, neither do I, but you kicked me out."  
"I think I can give my dads a break. They don't have to get the sexuality bomb and the meet-the-girl bomb on the same day. That's a lot to handle, even for them."

"But now we're the victims! Because you're home alone, and I'm home alone, and neither of us want to be home alone."  
"That's quite a nice sum up that you did there, but it's incorrect. You're at Brittany's, and your friend is probably home within a short period of time."  
"No. I'm home. My parents aren't."  
"Home? As in, the Fabray-home?"  
"As in, Fabray-home. My parents are out of town for the weekend and... I missed it, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever get a chance to come back to my old room, so I took my shot. But it's not so great as I expected, since I'm alone again."  
"So indeed, we're both home, alone. If I don't count my dads, and somehow, despite their hard-to-miss personalities, I'm not counting in my dads right now."

She lets a silence fall over the line. The silence fees twice as loud over the telephone. We start at the same instant.

"Do you want to-"  
"Should I-"

We both let out a little bit of a nervous laugh, and I let her begin again.

"Should I come over?"  
"Do you want to?"  
"If you give me a minute, I'll be on my way."  
"What's your curfew?"

"I don't know. I don't really wanna leave you alone. I could just, you know..."  
"Spend the night? What will your dads say?"  
"They know we spent last night here together and nothing happened. Well, nothing like that, at least. And I told them that we were handling this very maturely, and that we were taking things slow."  
"How slow?"  
"Ice-age slow."

"That slow. So, you think they'd agree?"  
"I'd say that I'm about 99% sure."  
"When can you be here?"  
"Give me 20 minutes."  
"I'm counting!"

"I'm on my way!"

I hang up and smile. Nothing like a reminder to the fact you're not alone.

3:19 PM

When the doorbell rings, I keep myself from sprinting to the door. When I open it, I can't help but laugh when Rachel pretty much jumps me with a hug.

"This really isn't healthy, is it?" She says, before kissing me on the cheek.

"I don't care. I'm glad you're here." I release her, before offering her a drink.

"Do you have some tea?"  
"Yes, of course. You make yourself comfortable, alright?"

"Right..."

She looks a little freaked out, and is staring around the room like she doesn't know what to do. She's uncomfortable.

Tea may help. I make some tea, and while the water's boiling I put on some music. This seems to relax Rachel, and she sits down on the couch.

She relaxes more when I bring some tea with me and sit myself down next to her.

"Hi," I say.

"Hi," she replies, and smiles before asking:

"Are you glad to be here again? I mean, you did want me to come here."  
"I probably would have wanted you anywhere. But yes, I mean, it's been a long time away, and it's good to be home. But..."  
"But?"  
"But together is better than being alone." I smile at her, and she snuggles closer to me.

"Do you want to watch a movie?"  
"I do. I feel like Disney today."  
"No Bambi, okay? That makes me both cry and think about Ms. Pillsbury."

"No Bambi. Beauty and the Beast?"  
"That's one of my absolute favorites. Did you know that they actually tried to mix the Broadway style with the Disney picture in that one? Like in the renounced ballroom sequence, it's actually quite obvious!"

"You're not gonna talk throughout the whole thing, right?"  
"...I'm not?"  
"Do you want to cuddle while watching the movie?"  
"...I'm not."

I put in the movie and jump on the couch, stretching myself out and grabbing my blanket. She adjusts it so it covers the both of us, and curls her body into mine so I can lean over her. I can see that she's watching the movie intently, but sometimes I see her eyes wonder, shooting to their corners, paying more attention to my hand. I make sure that, no matter what's happening on the screen, my hand is always moving over her in some way. My thumb moving across her hand, my palm cupping her shoulder, stroking it softly. When the film ends, she turns around, breathing into the hollow of my neck. She looks up to me, and at the same time her hand moves up as well. It feels like slow-motion, and in slow-motion I mirror her movement, moving my hand little by little to meet hers.

I hear her take a deep breath, and our fingertips - nothing more, just our fingertips - touch, in the softest, most sweet, loving, gentle touch that the world has ever known. I feel my stomach knot and before I can think I feel a burn behind my eyes.

"Shh, it's okay." She curls her fingers, so they're intertwined with mine.

"It's not. It's the stupid pregnancy." My voice breaks and I try to hide it with a cough.

"It's not stupid. It's healthy. Don't be embarrassed to feel, Quinn. This is good."

I wipe away my tears and let my free hand reach out for her, before pulling her close. I bury my face in her hair, and feel my emotions subsiding as quickly as they came as a sense of calmness overtakes me. She keeps muttering soft words against me, and I close my eyes, allowing myself to be flowed over by Rachel.

10: 21 PM

I hesitate, and she spots my doubt, as we stand in front of the door, my hand resting on the knob.

"What's wrong?"  
"This is the first time I've gone to my room in a long time, and it's pretty rare for me to bring someone with me. Especially like this, I've never had a sleepover here."

"You haven't?"  
"Never. Parents didn't really want it. But it doesn't matter now." I shrug, feigning nonchalance.

"It does. I can..."  
"No." I interrupt her, not sure what she was about to say, but whatever it was, I didn't want to hear it. So I took a deep breath instead, opening my door.

"Come in." I gesture, and she walks slowly inside, taking small steps.

I sit down on my bed, gaze fixed at the floor, while she takes her calm look around. She kneels in front of me, and cups my chin so she can lift it.

"I like the pictures. You are very photogenic, every picture with you in it is beautiful."

"You do realize that I only picked Beauty and the Beast because I have a thing for short brunettes with perfect skin and dark brown eyes, right?" I blurt out.

"I loved Cinderella most as a little girl. Tall. Blonde. Although, the hazel eyes really make the difference."  
"In a good way?"  
"The best."

* * *

_It's only half past the point of oblivion__  
The hourglass on the table__  
The walk before the run  
The breathe before the kiss  
And the fear before the flames  
Have you ever felt this way?_

12:23 PM

"You know what really bothers me quite a lot?"  
"Do tell," I roll my eyes. There's a lot that bothers Rachel.

"That Monday, you won't even look at me. Everything changed Friday. And then it was the weekend. And Monday things are just gonna go back."

"Of course they won't, Rach."  
"They will." She turns her gaze away from me.

"They won't. Things are different now. Brittany and Santana are just gonna have to put up with you."  
"Will they?"  
"Santana will get over it. And Brittany likes you. She certainly seemed to like you during Lean On Me, when you guys were all huggy-huggy."  
"You sound remarkably jealous, Quinn! Like I said, tall blondes."  
"But the hazel eyes really make the difference?"  
"You make the difference. You can't treat me like crap anymore, though. I won't have it, you treating me like nothing happened."

"I think we're past the point of oblivion, Rachel, you're well on your way making this the best night of my life."

"Really?" Rachel is so excitable. Mental note: Excitability is cute.

"Yes, light bulb. Really."

"What did I do right to do that to you?"  
"I can't really tell. I just know that..." I trace my finger across my cheekbone, making sure that this confession gets through to her. It's not a small deal.

"I have never felt this way."

* * *

_There you are, sitting in the garden  
__Clutching my coffee,__  
Calling me sugar  
You called me sugar  
_

2:34 AM

"We should really go to bed soon. Is it healthy for you and your baby to sit outside in the middle of the night? I have never been outside this late! Or early, I guess it depends on the way you look at it."  
"It won't hurt her. And it's not really out, we're in my garden."

"Drinking coffee. At 2 AM."  
"2:35, actually."  
"Even worse! Do you do this a lot?"  
"No, I have done it occasionally on sleepovers with Brittany and Santana. When they were calm, and before they started begging to go to sleep as soon as possible so they could have sex without me noticing. Well, they thought I didn't notice it. Can't believe Santana actually thought that I couldn't hear her whimpering..."

"Hold on. Santana and Brittany are a... a couple? Are they dating?"  
"Well no, obviously. I mean, everybody knows that sex is not dating."

"Obviously..." She rolls her eyes in an exaggerated manner, and clutches her coffee a little tighter.

"It's cold."  
"Get over it. We're not going inside yet."  
"It's cold. I mean, I'm cold. I mean... Have you never seen a romantic comedy!? I'm subtly hinting you to find a way to help me warm up."  
I pat my lap.

"I saved you a warm seat right here."

"That's quite a cliché. But on the other hand, that was what I was kind of going for."  
She sits on my lap, and I set her arms around me, putting my coffee on the table.

"How do you drink yours?" She asks me.

"Black. I barely put anything in it. I like the way it tastes. And coffee is coffee. If you want something sweet, drink warm milk."

"Can I see what yours tastes like?"  
"Go ahead. I'm not exactly scared of your germs, I don't know if you have noticed, but I don't kiss people that I don't want germs from."

"It's unexpected that you talking about my germs is a turn-on," She takes a sip of my coffee and her face scrunches up.

"It tastes bitter."  
"I could have told you that. But I think I'll just have to fix it, instead." I slowly reach for my coffee and put it on the table. When she turns to me, I stretch my neck and kiss her, letting my tongue slide in her mouth. I taste the bitterness of the coffee, but it's dissolving in her saliva swiftly. She moans a little and pushes down more forcefully. When I don't pull back, but only kiss back more heatedly, she straddles my lap. When I feel heat emanating from her, however, it's just a little overkill for my senses and I pull back. She doesn't ask questions, but only smiled, and says:  
"That helped. You're sweet."  
"Literally speaking, or figuratively as well?"  
"Both. You seem bitter like black coffee, but you're not. I think that you've got so much sweetness inside of you, that if it would all be released at once, my teeth would rot at the bare sight of it."  
"I think you're over-"  
"I'm not. Not just the taste in your mouth is always sweet. You are. You're not the bitter coffee. You're sweet. You're sugar." She smiles and lets a look linger above my head, like something really interesting is going on there.

"Sugar. That's you."  
"Sugar? Are you sure?" I ask skeptically, arching an eyebrow.  
"Sugar. A sugar-bomb, a candy cane, a dentist's worst nightmare. Sugar."

I smile widely, because everything about this moment is right. And a part of me that I'm a little bit scared to acknowledge right now, really, really likes the nickname Sugar. Really likes it. A lot.

"Sugar... You called me Sugar."

"With a capital S!" She kisses what's left of my cherry-flavored chapstick of my lips, and whispers in my ear:  
"I've always had a sweet tooth."

* * *

_Have you ever wished for an endless night?__  
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight__  
Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?  
Tonight  
_

06:27 AM

I let Rachel spoon me. Even though she's the shorter one, I could honestly care less. There's little that I want more now than to feel her chest heaving against my back. Her breathing is slowing down now, finding a regular rhythm.

"You lived up to your expectations," I whisper softly, knowing she could hear me.

"I did? What exactly did I live up to?"  
"You made this the best night I have ever had. I wish it would never have to end."  
"Whether you want it to or not, the sun's gonna come up anyway. You can't help it. It's nature."  
"Does it have to be? Can't I, like, tie the moon down to the earth, keep it in the sky forever?"  
"Don't forget the stars."  
"Of course not, Rachel Gold-Star Berry."  
"I'll just try to ignore the mocking tone of your voice, Sugar-Quinn."

She bites my earlobe lovingly, and I take a deep breath, holding it in. My heart starts beating faster, and with her hand on my heart, she's bound to notice it.

"What's wrong? You're heart is beating like it's trying to escape your chest."  
"I'm scared, Rach. This feels so good. It's too good, like there will never be another night like this with anyone. Like this is the best it will ever get. And honestly, I don't know how anything could be any more perfect than this, but it scares me and makes me sad that after tonight it will all be over. I really don't know how Monday's gonna go, or what's going to happen, and it's such a horrible idea that I've just had the best night of my life. I just had it."  
"You're mourning, Quinn, but it's way too soon for that. For one, the night isn't really over yet. We still have the joy of falling asleep together ahead of us, even though it's morning. It's still our night, because we're still together. And for the record, this was the best night of my life as well. I am planning of spending many more nights with you, and I don't know if it will ever get better than tonight, but I like to set my goals high. It forces me to give it my all if I want to reach them. And a nice, new goal to set for myself is to make sure that after this you will get a new best night of your life. Preferably with me. I'll try."

"Knowing you, you'll succeed too."  
"What can I say, I like winning. And you should probably give a lot of your nights to me. The more nights, the more chances I have to make an even more perfect night with you."  
I don't know what's going to happen next. But I like the idea of nights with Rachel, especially after this. I feel the boundaries of my old life vibrating, fading into a new reality where Rachel is frequently featured.

I don't know what's going to happen next. But I won't worry about it until I really can't escape it. Until it's absolutely necessary. I won't worry until I have to, and until then, I'll just enjoy the happiness that I have here, with her arms wrapped around me. Until then, I'll just treasure, and enjoy this. Tonight.


	4. R2: She Will Be Loved

**AN: ****About this post: You probably have forgotten already because Just Like Heaven was posted a gazillion years ago, but Quinn is NOT pregnant! She joined Glee to keep an eye on Finn and Rachel, but came to like it, and befriended the Gleeks, especially Rachel. Of course, we don't know what is left of that now, do we?**

**So, yes. It took a week to make this thing. Why? *points at length* it's the longest one yet! Wooohoo! I turned on my iTunes, and pressed the shuffle button, and with a loudly beating heart, excitement flowing over, I pressed play. And out came... THIS song. I knew this had to be epic. I hope you like it. My wild guess is that most people know this song, but for those of you who don't, the song is She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. Original video clip on Youtube:**

**.com/watch?v=nIjVuRTm-dc**

**However, the version that came onto my iTunes (and that has been on repeat for the last 7 days, shooting it into the top 10 most played), is an acoustic one. Youtube:**

**.com/watch?v=brlyaywdjmc**

**So. I'm still not used to Rachel's character, I think it's gonna take a while. She doesn't come naturally to me. Maybe because I, in real life, actually do use words with less than 4 syllables. Just a wild thought.  
I really hope you like it. And if you have the time, well... I would really, really, REALLY appreciate a review on this one in particular. I've never written a chapter this long. I actually freaked myself out a little. Review? Please? Maybe? Juuust a little review? :)**

**DryDrunkEmperor: I'm checking out your review tonight :) I'm already very curious!**

**As usual, I hope you like it. Maybe even love it. And I especially hope, like, love, hate, deteste, that you write a review about it! Throw your thoughts and feelings out in the open! Review! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, nor the wonderful song She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. In either version.**

**Let it begin.  
**_

* * *

Beauty queen of only eighteen__  
She had some trouble with herself  
__He was always there to help her  
She always belonged to someone else

* * *

_I was worse off than I had ever imagined possible. After my one night escapade with Quinn Fabray, not only was the sly hope of ever pursuing a relationship with this girl was quashed, but also our growing friendship was annihilated. I wish she was avoiding me altogether, but I should be that lucky. She avoids being alone with me, but in school she does nothing to keep us from meeting. She is back to treating me worse than she treats any other person on this planet. Quinn saves her very worst for me. That is a hard thought to bare, and one that scares me at that. I believe I know why, she has yet to acknowledge that our night together truly happened. She has to harbor some romantic feelings for me, otherwise she would never have kissed me. I keep telling myself that, and so far I still believe myself - I can be very persuasive, not only to other people but also to the nagging parts of self-doubt in my brain - but it is only a matter of time until I stop believing myself, let my lack of self-confidence get in the way again and believe that I never was good enough for her in the first place. Because be reasonable. She is Quinn Fabray, the most beautiful and aesthetically appeasing girl that Lima has ever known. She is too good for everybody here. I wish though, that if she were to be with someone in this town, it was with me. It is hard to watch her leave with Finn almost every day, and the jealousy is almost uncontainable when I think about him being able to spend the time with her that I want so badly. I had one night with her, and I am so scared that this is all I will every have. I wish that she would allow me to all that, and more, to her. It's unreasonable, and it is something that I know is insane and will never happen, but I have always been a big dreamer. Unfortunately, she loves him, not me. Or at least, that's what it looks like. I know that somewhere in there, she loves me too. But right now, it only matters what the outside world gets to see, and that is her with him. She belongs to Finn Hudson, like the perfect couple,the walking cliché. It's too right. It's so exactly right, that it can't be real. Something bad will happen at one point or another, and he will drop her, or she will drop him. Things this perfect cannot last.

But they will, unless I do something about it. It's time to get myself together, I am Rachel Berry, for crying out loud. So many private moments I have already shared with her, as young as our friendship may be, it is already remarkably strong. Strong enough to survive an impromptu make-out session. I miss her, with every fiber of my being, every cell in my body misses her proximity. And I will win her back. And then she will realize what she now desperately does not want to see. That we would work. I have to believe this, or I may be lost beyond hope or rescue.

And since I am Rachel Berry, I am going to do this the right way. Not leaving her confused or estranged, but I will work out my plan in full detail. I need to make this personal, even though it may hurt the both of us, I need to believe that it will be worth it. It has to be. Otherwise, it won't work. Because only if we get up close and personal, I will get her to admit that she misses me too, which I am sure she does. Bonds like these cannot be completely broken within the snap of a finger, or within the time range of a single night. I will go to her, and I will force her to see what's right in front of her. I only hope that she will not be too blind to see.

* * *

_I drove for miles and mile  
And wound up at your door  
I've had you so many times  
But somehow, I want more

* * *

_After driving in my car, running the words through my had one more time, I end up at the Fabray house. The few times I have been here to visit her, do not weigh up against what I am about to do. I am about to talk to the person who has declared me the object of her hatred, at least her favorite target. And I am here, coming to demand the restoring of our friendship, and well, telling her that no matter what, I will always want more than a friendship with her. I wish I could be more clear to her about the exact when and why's of me falling for her, but I will just have to manage with what I've got. I stand still, mustering all the confidence that I can reach inside myself. Because if I do not believe in my words today, neither will she. I straighten my back and ring the bell. Finn opens the door.

He grins his lazy grin and greets me.

"Hey Rachel!"  
"Hello, Finn. What are you doing here?"

"I'm her boyfriend and I stayed over here last night... what are you doing here?  
"You spend the night?" I can't help the alarming tone in my voice.

"Yeah, Cheerio's and football party last night here. Parents out of town. I stayed over to help at first, and then because it was too late to go home."  
"Where's Quinn?" I interrupt. My patience with him is close to non-existent today, and I know I should not take it out on him, but right now he is only hindering me from getting to Quinn. A hinder on my path is something that I only want to take care of as soon as possible.

His grin vanished on the spot.

"Uhm, are you sure? I mean, she's been pretty crappy to you lately and I don't think--"  
"Yes, Finn. I am absolutely sure. Thank you for your concern.I'll just let myself in, thank you, I know my way."

I strut over the threshold, leaving the tall singer behind me, and dashing straight down the stairs.

Instead of knocking, I decide to let myself in again and I close the door behind me with a clap before I throw my coat on the nearest chair.

She looks up because of the noise, startled, and her eyes grow wide when she lays them on me at first. Then they narrow.

"What is it, Berry?" She snarls.

"Hello to you too, Quinn.I'm here to talk to you."  
"Yeah? Get it over with then, because I have nothing to say to you!"

"I don't think you realize it. You can stop pretending now, Quinn. We're alone, all your efforts in spite."

She falls silent for quite a long time, and I'm fully expecting her to kick me out, but then she closes her eyes, mutters something - I believe I can make out the word stubborn somewhere in there - and opens her eyes again.

"Fine."

* * *

_I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
__Ask her if she wants to stay a while_  
_And she will be loved,  
She will be loved

* * *

_She reaches down and grabs two cans of coke, and hands one to me. She gestures vaguely around the room.

"Sit," she says. I know my standing makes her nervous, so I sit. It's the polite thing to do.

Only I stand up again immediately. I want to be standing for this. She lets her face fall in her hand and sighs, leaning on her desk, but I ignore her.

"Quinn" I start. "I will start with some things that we both already know. We make a good pair of friends. It's easy for me to be around you when you are not being a total bitch, and I am sure that you have felt the connection that we have always shared as well. I came here in the first place to reestablish that friendship, because I miss it. I miss you."  
Now for the hard part. I take her silence as an encouragement; no violence involved. Yet.

"Now, I am sure that you remember as well as I do why we are no longer friends. Because one day, our connection overpowered us when besides the obvious emotional part, a romantic aspect snuck in. After we physically established the romantic connection we shared, you spoke only one more friendly remark to me, telling me that I was just like heaven."  
I am encouraged even further when a slight blush tinges her cheeks.

"I will be excruciatingly honest with you now, and tell you that that was not the first time that I thought about you that way. And I know that you are scared, and far from prepared for any of this, but I just need you to know that it is an option. You can consider me. And I would be really good for you, Quinn. I would take care of you, stand by you through everything. I don't do things halfheartedly, you know that, and I would be there for you all the way. Whatever good and bad may come to you, I would always help you through it. I would be loyal to you, more loyal than Finn is being - you are not the only one of you two who cheated on the other with me, he kissed me, twice - and I would basically do whatever it would take. I would always be there in the corners, waiting, making sure that you're alright, looking out for you. And if your parents were to kick you out because of me, you could stay with me. Because I would be there, I would be like that. I would wait, and you know I would, I do not object to waiting if it means getting what I want or need. I don't mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pou--"

Quinn holds up her hand and my voice falters. She's looking straight into my eyes for the first time in weeks, and I can only think of how beautiful she is. I actually forget how to breathe again.

"Stop it, Berry. I'm not a girl with a broken smile. As much as I love the song, you're not gonna call me that."  
"But you are! You are going through a hard period right now, and I have not seen a genuine smile on your face since the night that we--"  
"Don't you dare, Stubbles!"

"Since the night that you made love to me." I finish, softer but my voice is ringing. Echoing, it almost seems. I know that this makes my face flushed, but I am happy to have said it out loud for the first time. I know that it seems strange, but when she does not deny it, it makes me almost want to soar. At least she knows. I continue.

"I want you to be with me. As much as you can be with me. And that would be good for you, because if there's one thing that I am trying to say here, Quinn, it is that with me..." I kneel on the floor before her, and grab her hand. She yanks it away, but I grip it again, and keep it firmly in place this time. She doesn't struggle again. Because of our close proximity, I can whisper my words, forcing her to lean in and be uppermost attentive if she wants to catch it. And oh, does she.

"With me, you will be loved. I swear, Quinn. I can promise you that. Always, you will be loved."

Tears come to her eyes, and I hold her closer, repeating:  
"You will be loved, you will be loved."

After about 15 minutes she composes herself again and pulls away, wiping away the last of her tears.

"I'm sorry about that."  
"Don't be, however upsetting it is to see you sob, your cry is strangely beautiful. I do not know anyone who can cry so elegant and composed like you. After I cry, I always end up looking like a mess. You look like a movie star who just had a crying scene, but you can see that it's fake by the way the make-up stays on and she doesn't look like a mess. And it is one of the few times where I can be sure that you are in fact letting go a little bit of your precious control. "

"Thank you for that compliment and insult in one. But... I can't say yes, Rachel. I can't."  
"Well, you at least called me by my given name. Can you stop acting towards me like I am a bug that you hate intensely? Please, Quinn, I know you don't hate me."  
"I don't. I'm sorry, I was just... am just..."  
"Why did you kiss me in the first place?"  
"Well, why did you kiss back?"  
"Let's get that little misunderstanding out of the way right now. I thought that that part was kind of obvious. I am in love with you."  
I see and hear her swallow, and wait for her answer.

"I don't know," she says in a quiet voice. "I'm sorry, I just... It felt like it was so hard not to, you know? I just had to kiss you."

"Do you have fee-"  
"I don't know, okay? Accept it. I don't know anything. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I feel!" Her voice breaks. My heart aches.

"Sorry that I acted like a bitch to you. I didn't mean it. I do like you. But I don't know if I like you like that, you gotta know Rachel, not everyone is as okay with things like these as you are. I freaked out. It's a natural, normal reaction."

"Well, I know that it was the easiest thing for you. You never could ignore my presence."

"NOBODY can ignore your presence. You make sure of that."

"Yes, but you actively sought me out. I felt the chemistry, but I didn't realize what it was until you told me that you were the one who drew the picture in the bathroom. I had a suspicion that it might be you, of course, but then I realized that even you didn't know that you really liked me like the boy who pulls a girl's hair because he likes her. Surprisingly accurate, by the way. The picture, I mean. My theory is that you paid more than average attention to me when in the locker room."

When I see her blush a deep shade of red, I know I'm right. But it looks like she's not ready.

"You have to end your ridicule at some point, Rachel. Really."  
"You're blushing."  
"Of course I am, do you realize what just came out of your mouth? Thank you, Rachel, but I would rather you leave me alone right now."  
"Are you sure? I can--"  
"I'm sure."

I nod, slowly, and stand up. She frees her hair from her ponytail - I believe for sure that she is trying to seduce me, otherwise nobody would act so... sexy - but I step away from her and she stands up quickly.

"Wait!"

"Yes?"  
She steps forward, pushing away any shyness or doubt that she must have had, and closes me inside of her arms. I inhale deeply, enjoying that I can finally feel and smell the things that have not left my mind these last weeks. I can feel her doing the same. She steps back and clears her throat.

"Okay. See you."  
"Yeah, you too," I say, a little flustered.

"Wait!"  
I turn, and my eyebrow cocks up.

"Last time I say that, I swear."  
"Okay, what was it?"  
"The hug I just gave you..."  
"What about it?"  
I see the familiar hesitance in her eyes when she speaks the next words, the words that makes hope float up inside my chest like a balloon.

"It wasn't enough."  
Before I have a chance to react, she steps forwards again, and closes me inside her arms, again. But this time, she tangles one hand in my hair, and pulls my face closer to hers, so she can kiss me. I cannot help but let a moan out inside her mouth, and throw my arms around her neck, opening my mouth to the sensation that I have longed for since the night. Yes, I already named it 'the night' in my mind, like it is the only night that ever truly was. She quickly slips her tongue inside my mouth - both acting quickly, before she has the chance to change her mind - and I hold her a little tighter. When I feel her sigh into my mouth, like she is relieved, I almost lose it and almost push her to the bed to just...

Almost.

But I am Rachel Berry, after all. So I don't.

She grips me tighter, and I am afraid that I will squeeze her to death if I tighten my grip on her as well. An absent-minded thought floats by me, wondering why it can't always be like this. Then she rips herself away from me, obviously shocked at what she just did, and I remember.

"Oh God...Eh...Sorry."  
I really wish she wasn't apologizing for kissing me. I wish she wasn't sorry.

"It's fine."  
She nods, the look in her eyes nothing if not scared to death. I close my eyes, hoping she can't see the hurt in them, and she opens her mouth.

"Please, can you go? Now? Please?" She begs. My mouth is dry.

I turn and leave.

I take a minute to collect myself. It's a good sign. She kissed me, I mean, she actually pressed her lips to mine. That is certainly a strong indication that she indeed has feelings for me. I should be happy that she kissed me, not sad that she's sorry for it. Finn walks up to me.

"Warned you, didn't I?"  
"You did."  
"Told you so."  
"Yes Finn. You told me so."  
"Sorry, anyway. Wanna hang out later?" He smiles, and the exact same expression appears as when Noah asked me to make out.

"No, _Finn_. I just want to go home."  
"What's up with the two of you!? You're acting all weird around her and she acts all weird about you! I mean, I don't even dare bringing you up anymore!"  
"What do you mean? How does she react to my name?" I try to keep the desperation out of my voice - even Finn could pick up on something - and try to make it sound merely curiously yet relaxed.

"Well, I mean, she gets all freaky and shuts down. Last night, I came down for a midnight snack,"  
I want to interrupt him, telling him how unhealthy it is to eat on nightly hours, because your digesting system slows down around that time, but my curiosity keeps me from making a comment.

"And I could hear her. She was like, panting and moaning, and I figured she was having a nightmare. So I got to her with some water, and it was so weird, I mean, she hates you, and she kept moaning your name. I mean, she must have been having a pretty bad nightmare about you. And when I woke her up, she was burning up, and her face was really red and she only seemed to want me to go away. She didn't want to tell me about the dream. So I think something about you bothers her."  
I blush as I realize that the panting and moaning my name probably did not indicate a nightmare. Last night, Quinn Fabray had an erotic dream about me. This thought makes me feel like I want nothing more than to knock down her door and make her dreams come true.

"And now you're getting all red on me too! What's up with you guys?"  
"Girls, Finn. Quinn and I are girls. And nothing is up with us."  
"You can say that, but I'm not stupid, Rachel!"  
"I'm not saying that you are, I promise. Could you just let us be for the moment?"  
It is very clear how reluctant he is to just let me leave, but I leave him no choice.

"Thank you. Now, I must be going home again. Goodbye, Finn."

"Bye, Rachel."

* * *

_Tap on my window knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful  
I know I tend to get so insecure  
It doesn't matter anymore

* * *

_I am at home, reading a book on Broadway history that my fathers bought me, when I suddenly hear a short tap on the window. As I look, I see her waving at me shyly and sadly. I sit up straight like a rocket, and she looks at me with a questioning expression. I know what she's asking, and when I stand up she knows my reply. That does not keep her from knocking on my door as well, unnecessarily but still. Only when I open the door, I see the tears standing in her eyes. She blinks them away quickly, she obviously does not like crying in front of me. She never liked showing her weakness to everyone, and I immediately feel honored that in her weakest hour she comes to me for aid.

"Rachel, I know I don't deserve it right now, especially since I don't have an answer yet. But I just... I really need a friend right now. Can I--"  
"Come in, let me take your coat."

She breathes out, so much relief in her face that it makes me want to cry as well. I take her up my room for a private environment, that will hopefully make her feel safer. She doesn't tell me what happened, just asks me to hold her, and clings to me like I am the last thing keeping her tied to this world. I suddenly can actually make words out of her frantic sobs.

"R-Rachel, I've hurt you, I hurt ev-v-everyone, I did s-so much wrong!"

This is good. Now that I know a little bit of what's wrong, I can try to make it better.

"Quinn, it is very healthy for you to be coming to terms with your past. But you cannot change it, you can only try to do better in the future. Which I know you already try your hardest at."  
"I was so horrible, u-ugly, from the inside out."

"You're not! Oh Quinn, really, if there's one thing you are not it is ugly. You are beautiful. Both on the inside and on the outside! Please, don't ever think otherwise!"

I can see it not getting through to her. It bounces back from her shell of insecurities, and I want to smash that shell to a million pieces, so it could never be put together again. I wish I could get through to her, and make her see, make her believe the truth. I wish I could make her feel beautiful.

"Don't, don't Rachel. I mean it. Especially you. I stomped you into the ground like it was my ultimate goal in life. If I were you I would have killed myself by now or something, but you're like a bounce ball. You bounce right back up, stronger than ever!"

"Not after crying in a bathroom stall, though. You may think I am all that strong, but I am not. I have insecurities as much as anyone. As much as you, it appears now." But not now. I have to be strong, I will be strong for Quinn if she needs me to be. It seems as if she can never be weak, like there is no place that she can stop being strong, and nobody can always be strong. It is a strange situation, but I want to be the one she is weak with, if that means that she is honest with me, and not hiding herself away. However hard it may be, I will be strong for her. None of my insecurities matter right now, not if I can get her to forget about hers. She needs my strength more than I do.

* * *

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along  
My heart is full and my door's always open  
You come anytime you want

* * *

_She keeps sobbing, and she never tells me what or who made her cry. Which is probably for the best, because my protective tendencies might get the best of me and make me do something that I would regret at a later time. Right now, the best I can do is let her lean against me, so that is what I do. I whisper calming things as soon as I think that she is about to go into hyperventilating, and hold her, letting her tears make my shirt wet. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters but her right now. She calms down - no matter how great your suffering is, at a certain point you just run out of tears - and after a few final sniffles, she falls silent. I would have believed that she had fallen asleep, if not for her very prominent heartbeat that I can feel through the fabric of our clothing. Her heart is now beating against the point under my chest, and I have my arms around her neck and head, pressing it to my chest. She breathes in deeply, and when I feel her heartbeat fasten, mine fastens too to keep up with her. When she looks up, I know what is about to happen, and I am hardly surprised when she captures my lips in a soft kiss.

"That was for this. Thank you."

"Anytime. Especially if that is going to be my reward!" I joke, but it was the wrong joke, judging by her frown.

"You know that I didn't--" I quickly try, but she stops me, pressing her finger to my lips.

"I know. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do about you, Berry. Anything but."  
"You can't deny the physical attraction between us. And I trust you."  
"That's really stupid of you. I could make you crash and burn like the Challenger."

"That's the trust-part, Quinn. That I know you can, but I trust you that you won't."

"I trust you too, you have proven yourself worthy of my trust, so you have it. But that does not mean that I've suddenly gone all gay. I can't begin to imagine, not even without counting in my parents or my religion, what it would be like to be with you. You get that, right?"

"Of course I do. It will comfort you then, that most girls have identity crises in puberty, and that you are only following a pattern. And I know that it would be very hard between the two of us. We are very, very different from each other, I mean, talk about opposites attract. And besides that, we both have a commanding presence, and demanding persona's. It might just be too much, and it will always be a fight of dominance. Who has the control between the two of us. Because, even though you have smacked me down on various occasions, we both know that you do not have all the power. Especially not with me bouncing back, like you just so adequately noted yourself."

She bites her lip, and I have to actively keep myself from kissing her again. Not the right time.

"I know. I don't know if I want that, though. I like being in control, but I won't control you. I'm not sure if we can balance it out, though."

"You in school, me at home?" I try, and smile widely. She laughs.

"No, thanks. Not exactly balanced, I think. Then it's always one of us that's like, the boss. I don't want to be your Santana."  
"...Santana?"  
"Well, yeah. I mean, I probably wouldn't even have considered this if not for... You probably won't understand, you're not a part of that, but we... Us Cheerio's, we have a culture. And that is surprisingly gay. But not serious. More like, practice on each other with kissing, and play and fool around a little. It's safe to try things with your friends, it takes off a lot of the pressure you know?"  
"Are you telling me that I am not the first girl you have kissed!?"  
"Let me finish." Her voice is demanding, and I don't even think about saying another word until she said what she wanted to say.

"With Brittany and Santana, I guess it got kind of... out of hand. I always saw that they liked kissing each other more than others, even though Santana kept saying it was just to practice for the real deal. She meant Puck by that, but she never liked him even half as much as Brittany, I think. It freaked me out. You know how weird it is to have a sleepover and know that your best friends are making out in the same room? It's traumatizing, being left out like that, while you're the one who they are supposed to follow. And Santana seems to always be the dominant one, and in school, Brittany lets her be. But outside of school, Brittany calls all the shots. And to be fair, if she puts her foot down, Santana would always give in. What Brittany wants, she will always get. It's impossible to deny her something."  
"Wait. So, Brittany and Santana are...dating?"  
"They say they're not."  
"But why..."  
"Sex is not dating. Or so they say."  
"Oh." I fall silent as I let that sink in. "Oh!"

"They are dating though. They're in love. I thought about kicking them off the Cheerio's, you know, obliterating their reputations, but now that I'm used to it, I like it. Santana is softer when Brittany's around. Also, I can't kick Brit off. No-one hurts her. Nobody. And they make it work." She pauses, and smiles.

"And yes, I have kissed other girls. Though I gotta say, it never was quite like it was with you."

I smile in response, and chew on the inside of my cheek. Hopefully I won't scare her away with this again. I don't want her to go run and hide again. So I say it in a quiet voice, like that will take away from the heavy meaning of the words.  
"Despite their differences. If they can, don't you think we can?"

"I don't know. Don't you feel it's weird or awkward or something? I mean, look at this from another point of view. We're way different. We're weird together."

"I do not. I understand your inhibitions, and I am most certainly aware that you were not raised the way that I was. There are great differences in our upbringing, and it is logical that yours is inclined to make you doubt these feelings a little bit more. And I am not saying that you have no reason to worry, because you do, and I do too. We have a history of getting at each others throats, and some differences between us are settled deep within our cores. I do not want to change the person you are, because the person that you are is the person that I have these feelings to. And if you are expecting that you can turn me into a Cheerio, let me help you out of that dream right now as well. We can accept our differences, and respect them. Issues are of course bound to arise, and both of us will just have to compromise a lot to make it work."

"I may be blond, but I'm not stupid. I can't turn you into a Cheerio, and I know it. But I don't compromise. I suck at compromising."

"I recall that you were quite the natural talent." I scrape my throat, and think about letting my mimic talents loose on this, but I know I would fail, so I just say it.

"Let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast."

She lets out a small laugh, and blushes slightly. A subtle finger comes up to brush a strand of hair from her face.

"Eavesdropping is rude, you know. And it gives off the wrong impression, because I really do suck at compromising. I'm used to... I don't know..."  
"You're used to getting what you want, but I am not overruled so easily. I guess you just would have to work on it. Both of us, because compromising is not exactly my strongest suit either. I like having things done my way, because I often, if not always, believe that my way really is the right way."  
"You see? It's not a thing that's likely to work between us."

"So, we would fight. Sure. But you can fight and make up, can't you? And that is where our strengths would lie. It is the one promise we would have to make, to always come back. That is what I would do. I would walk, well, I would demonstrate my long-time perfected diva storm-off, and later I would come back when I would realize I was wrong. Or, when I really am right, I must trust you to come to your senses. At least we would always have to come back to each other, since walking away may be something to occur on a regular basis. I don't even know that for sure, but it could. But then you should know that no matter how bad it might have been, my door is always open to you, and if my heart is in it - and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that it will be - I will be willing to comply after cooling off."

Doubt is reflected in her hazel eyes, and I close my eyes. Maybe this time, she will not run. She'll stay, unafraid to face the feelings that I know are bothering her. Maybe it is that time when she realizes that it's not a bad thing, what we're doing. When I open my eyes, I see that, hope in vain, maybe this time is not that time. She gets up, and with a sting in my heart I have to acknowledge my loss. Again.

"I, I gotta go. This isn't... I'll talk to you later." She stumbles, nerves written all over her face and in her body language. I nod, and don't say anything to her. Not until I hear the front door slam and force tears to stay in, not wanting to cry over her once more. I bite my lip until I taste blood in my mouth, and the worst part is, that the tears escape anyway. Again, tears are falling for Quinn Fabray.

* * *

_I know where you hide  
Alone in your car  
Know all of the things that make you who you are  
I know that goodbye, means nothing at all  
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

* * *

_She doesn't treat me badly the next days. I barely even see her, and there are no words exchanged. Only one-sided stares and gazes, from my side, that is. In the classes she shares with me, she keeps her gaze locked straight at the teacher or down at her book. I do not get a single word out of her. I know that there is something very much wrong with her, because every day, she cannot wait to get out of the school and into the car. Nobody seems to notice the person in the car, only the car itself is looked at. But everyday, I look at the person inside the car from a distance, and know that she is not paying attention to me at all. Or at least, not me standing there. Because she busies herself with crying, silently, but obviously if you look at her. Then at the end, she turns her gaze upwards to me, and stares at me before driving away. That is our only contact, and I am starting to believe that she is only looking to see if I'm still there, waiting. Foolish to think that I wouldn't be. When Thursday arrives, my heart feels broken again, and I am hard on myself for allowing hope to slip in. Today is Glee, though. She must show up here, right? And Glee is different, more private, a place where I could most definitely get her alone if I want to. I have already mapped out several plans in my mind to get her alone, when Brittany and Santana walk in, without Quinn. Everybody looks up, and this is the first time that anyone has skipped Glee in a long time, so silent shock spreads around. When both of the Cheerio's gaze directly at me, Santana with a frightening glare, and Brittany merely curious, everyone else turns to see who they are looking at. I know that my skin is pale as it gets, and I hope that my natural darker skin helps mask it. I made Quinn skip Glee. That is how desperately she wants to avoids me. Usually, this is where the sadness kicks in, or the desire to help her - and then the doubt because she probably doesn't want me to - or the thoughts that the heartbreak of her pulling me close and pushing away from me time and again is worth it if it makes her feel better. But now, she has not only hit the heart of Rachel Berry, the human girl. She has struck the heart of Rachel Berry, future star, and developing team-player. This is coming in the way of our performance.

And that is where it goes too far.

So instead of said feelings, I am quickly overtaken by a fierce anger. I stand up, and pace out of the room. Vaguely, I realize that my behavior must seem out of order, but I could not care less right now.

Stomping onto the parking lot, my feelings soften slightly, thinking about her in her car, crying over... me? Something. I know where she is parked, and looking at her, she does not see me. However, there are no tear streaks on her face, to my intense relief. It does make things a whole lot easier. I brace myself, walk to her car, and without knocking I open the door and sit myself down on the passenger's seat, startling her.

"Oh God no, not you!" She shouts but I ignore her cry.

"Quinn, I get that you are confused over your sexuality, along with probably other things. Things are hard, and you are having a typical teenage identity crisis, leading me to believe that at this point in time, I know better who you are than you do. I know that I am the very last person you want here right now. But I don't care, because you are letting Glee club taking the fall. You cannot sacrifice Glee club. Ignore me there too, if you have to, I will respect it, even though I wasn't originally planning on doing so." Compromise. "But you need to come. We need everybody, especially you, you are one of our stronger female voices. Fine, ignore me all you want, but show up for rehearsals. This is not the right thing to do, this is not about you, or about me, it's about Glee."  
"Glee is about you now!" Her voice is loud and sharp, and I freeze at the words.

"You have made Glee about you when you became the star of Glee. I can't just sit there and look at you, and I can't sit there and not look at you! You demand all the attention, especially there, and when I think of Glee, I think of you, and I'm not thinking about you! I refuse to! Now, get the hell out of my car!"

"You can't make me. You must come."  
"Watch me!" She spits through clenched teeth, and I know that she's about to, so I'm not surprised when she throws herself on me in a struggle for dominance. Violence. It was always more Santana's thing than hers, but I guess that I just evoke some serious emotion within her, because she pushes me against the door, and attempts to open it behind me with her free hand. I grab it and hold it, trying to lock eyes with her. She doesn't allow me to, yanks her hand away and grabs my shoulders.

"You have no right to be here! This is my car! Mine! Go away!"

Even if I would want to, I couldn't. She is shaking me, and I sort of just... give in. She's bigger than me. And she's right, I have no right to be in her car without her permission. However when she stops shaking me, I blink, and then I succeed. I lock eyes with her. And the fierce anger is immediately pushed away by the doubt that is already growing too familiar on me.

And again. I am starting to know her so well, that I know what she's about to do.

And even if I would want to stop her...

No, I never would.

She crashes her lips to mine in a passionate liplock, pushing me just a little too hard, clenching her hand in my hair just a little too much, but I grab her face with both hands to push her closer. I will take whatever moment I can get with her, and this is definitely a moment.

She pulls away suddenly, and the anger is out of her eyes now, replaced with a look so scared of herself that it makes me want to hug her. I know I can't. She's about to do it again. Again.

"Rachel, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I need to... I gotta go. Can you please..."

"Of course." I whisper, my voice sounding hoarse enough to scare me. Hopefully it will be gone by the time I get back to rehearsal. I scrape my throat, and make a move to turn around, but I turn back, and smile.

"You know Quinn, have you noticed your pattern? When you're falling, you wait for me to catch you. And I do. Then you kiss me, panic, and say goodbye. And I know this goodbye means nothing at all, because you'll come back, begging me to catch you the next time that you fall. Which I will, of course, I'll wait. I don't mind waiting for you. But I'll be waiting for the day that you realize what you're doing. I don't like it, but if you're too afraid right now, I don't know how to help you deal with that. My dad is a shrink, and I asked for his help on how to help you, but he told me that I have to wait. So I will."

* * *

_Tap on my window knock on my door  
I want to make you feel beautiful_

_I don't mind spending everyday  
Out on your corner in the pouring rain  
Look for the girl with the broken smile  
Ask her if she wants to stay a while  
She will be loved,  
She will be loved.

* * *

_"Just... I know you won't stop. But sometimes think about it. Pretend you are not you, think about it like you're watching it from a distance."  
"That only makes it worse..." She whispers, but I explain.

"Really? Watch it like this. You keep coming back to a certain person, you keep wanting to kiss them, and when you do, you come to your senses and feel bad. But you do it again anyway. And you will do it again."  
"No, no. This was the last time."

I suppress a smug smile from spreading across my face.  
"We both know that's not true. You'll come back. Crying. Kissing. And I'll be there, give you a place to feel warm, safe, protected. That's what I'll keep you, all those things. And of course, loved. You know that with me, you will be loved."

She swallows so that I can actually see the movement in her throat.

* * *

_Please don't try so hard to say goodbye...

* * *

_

"I can only wait and hope that you're gonna stop keeping yourself so desperately, yet ineffectively from acknowledging your true feelings. You shouldn't be so eager to deny them, please, don't try so hard to say goodbye. You don't have to. You believe that you do, but you really don't. There are other options than goodbyes."

For a second, I think that maybe I actually got through to her this time. I can see it in her eyes, she believes me, like she really is looking at things from another perspective. Like if she were a camera, she would be circling from above.

Then she switches back to her usual point of view, and she chokes up, tears in her eyes.

"Can you go now?"

"Of course. I won't tell you to think about what I've said. I already know you will."

I smile shyly at her, and she keeps her gaze away from me until the last second. Then she smiles back, even shyer than I did.

"Bye, Rachel."  
"Bye, Quinn."  
She hesitates, and so do I. But I open the door, and get out, shutting it behind me. When I walk off, I don't look back. It hurts now. Of course it does, it always does, and it always will. This is not the type of hurt you can get used to, or at least, I cannot. But everytime that she runs to me, I get a new shot of hope, that maybe one day she'll choose to stay.

But one thing I know for certain.

This isn't finished.


	5. Q3: Angel

**AN: Instead of the usual "Put your iTunes on Shuffle and see where it ends up" thing, I this time granted the request of a reader! The song is called Angel by Saybia, and I immediately became a fan the second I heard it. Youtube link, ignore the first 5 seconds:**

**/watch?v=trQIiFjrbVA**

**So, I hope everyone enjoys this. Please let me know if you do, I wanna know if people are reading this, or if I really am just sending it into the nothing :) Read. Review. Because reviews are the best thing ever and make my everything. **

** Dear DryDrunkEmperor: I really hope I didn't disappoint, the song deserves better than that!**

**If you think, I want a certain song to come up too, requests are more than welcome and as you can see I grant them if I can!**

**Read! Enjoy! Review! That's the way to go! :)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, and I don't own the song Angel by Saybia.  
**

* * *

_It's not the world that's out of order_

_It's me, it's me_

_Guess I ran along my borders_

_Just to see, just to see

* * *

_Standing in front of McKinley High, I'm having an outer body experience. Over the course of this weekend, my world has shifted, suddenly everything has changed. The world feels like a different place. But now I can see, that the world hasn't changed. It looks exactly the same. They all walk the same. The footballers still play football. The Gleeks still sing. To me, everything felt so different. But it's not. It's not the world that's out of order.

It's me.

From the second that Rachel asked me how I was doing, my world had been changing around. I had a lot of firsts with her - first good talks, first honest mentions, first sleepovers, first time picking her up from a bar while she was drunk, first kiss... But now, I feel myself slowly slipping back into my normal life. After tasting what it could be like with Rachel, I now have to pull back again. This is school. School is another story, oh, such another story. After running across the borders, from extreme to extreme, from hurting her more than ever to spending a loving night, I saw what it could be like. But it can't be like that at school.

I mean, come on. It's school.

* * *

_If a friendly face would drop by and rescue me_

_But I lost my faith as I lost my way

* * *

_I can still hope though, that not too much has changed. Of course this is hardly the time or place for deep conversations and making out, it doesn't have to be the wrong place for friendship. She started salvaging me, pulling me out of a downward spiral Friday, and I had never felt anything like this weekend. It was almost too much goodness. That was my reality for the last 3 days, my only reality, but right now I am confronted with the rest of the world again. Nothing around me has changed. Everyone still hates me, and I'm still very much in the red-zone concerning Slushie-danger. I feel the pessimism almost overtake me again, before pushing it away, the memories of Rachel still fresh. After losing almost everything, at one point things had to get better again, right? As long as she'll hold onto my hand, maybe I'll stay on a path of positivity. I'll never be the same again. But maybe I'll be fine, anyway. Maybe even better than before.

* * *

_It's not the street that's made of concrete_

_It's you, it's you_

_Guess I try to penetrate it with this point of view_

_I had never taken more than I give to you_

_I was led astray and I lost my way

* * *

_I walk indoors, and look around me, searching for her. I want to see her, and share that knowing look that I'm waiting for. The look that says that there's something that only we know about. I don't see her.

What the hell? I came in early for her! She's usually half an hour early here, it's crazy, but today I came in half an hour early too, just for her, to see her, and she's not here. She's not at her locker. She's not at the Auditorium. She's not at the other places that have a piano. She's not at the cafeteria. Where is she?

Before I can look further for her, I hear the bell. Softly cursing, I make my way to class.

I don't see her almost all day long, and my mind starts to wonder, worries popping up in my head. It's not until after the very last class, that I see her, standing by her locker. She's with Finn, he's touching her, and she's smiling. He gives her a kiss on her cheek and walks off. I push away the jealousy, because I have faith in her, we promised that we would treat each other differently from now on, and she told be she didn't like Finn all that much. This is the time to enforce that promise.

"Hey, Rach."  
She stiffens instantly at Quinn's voice, despite the soft tone and fresh nickname.

"Quinn," she replied, her voice distant.

"I haven't seen you all day!"

"I know. That's usually the case with us."  
"What do you mean?"  
"We don't see each other out of the few classes we share together and Glee club, Quinn. And there's no Glee, and we didn't have any classes that we shared together today. So on Monday, we usually don't see each other."  
That stung. It's my first time on this end of the conversation. The end of receiving rejection, instead of giving it to someone else.

"But didn't usually change between Friday and now?"

"It's just another school day to me."  
"Why are you acting like this? You were the one who said that you didn't want me to treat you badly again at school, and now you're doing this?"  
"Well, I didn't say that I would treat you like my BFF. You took a lot of joy out of my life over the last years, and after clearing my mind and my hormones, I realized that it was nothing short of stupid to throw my life away for you. Things are finally looking up for me."  
"This weekend, things were finally looking up for me too! Being with you makes things look up! I know I have taken a lot out of you, but now I think I can return it, that and more! I've got a lot to give, and I want you to have it!"

"I don't want your insults, I've had more than my fair share of those already. I guess we're just like an uneven balance. The worse you're doing, the better things are for me, and the better you're doing, the worse things are for me. Can you blame me that I like having things working out for me?"  
"Rachel, this isn't you. I know it's not. It's what people would have expected out of me, not you. You're way nicer than this!"

"Oh, so now you're calling me a bitch?"  
"Maybe I wouldn't if you would just stop behaving like one! You act like an ice queen with a heart made of stone, while you have one of the greatest, softest hearts! And if you're not careful, your heart will get used to that, and will freeze over for real. Then it'll take a lot to melt it again."

"You should know, right?"  
"I should know. You melted mine."

"Maybe you hardened mine in return." She slams her locker closed and looks me up and down.

"I gotta go. Finn's waiting."

"Finn? Is this about him?"  
She shrugs, and answers:

"Not really. But it doesn't matter. I gotta go. Bye."  
"Bye, Rachel."

She walks off, and I feel my newly softened heart shatter like it's an ice-sculpture that came in contact with a hammer. And nobody but her could have prevented next: I was led astray, and lost my way. Again.

* * *

_It's not the light that casts the shadow_

_It's doubt, it's doubt_

_As a melancholic sorrow came about, came about

* * *

_I keep replaying it in my mind over and over again. Had these days really meant so little to her? I was absolutely sure that it had meant the world to the both of us. We had shared a bed, she had acted like she was in love with me, and I had found myself returning those feelings with more joy than I could have foreseen. But now... had it really meant nothing? The thought is almost too much to bare, but it keeps coming back to me. And when I'm alone, and contemplating something without a positive influence close-by, the seeds of doubt have no trouble growing into trees as huge as sequoias's. After an hour, I am sure that it had meant nothing. That the promises would be thrown away. That she would become me. That those moments, were officially in the past, and never to be repeated ago.

And I weep. I cry over the best night of my life, with a girl that already broke my heart. The horrible thing was, I deserved it, too. I cut that nagging part off for now, this is bad enough without that burden as well. But the tears of melancholic sorrow, longing for yesterday, longing for Rachel, leak from my eyes once more.

* * *

_I had never fought as hard though as I do for you_

_I'm not getting strong to prove I'm wrong

* * *

_The week passes by, and I try to talk to her, make a good impression on her. I try making eye contact, putting more effort in Glee, smiles, greetings, kind words, interventions in the bathroom, whatever not. It's more trouble than I have ever invested in any guy, but nobody has ever been worth it before it. Actually, I'm beginning to doubt if she is worth it, but that feeling that she gave me those days that are disappearing from my memory way too quickly, that feeling is more than worth it. That feeling is worth anything. My days revolve around reaching out to her, but she remains cold, like nothing really had changed. The more she acts like that, the more I'm beginning to doubt my own sanity. I feel like I need strength. I try to put up a strong front, convincing that I can hold myself, no matter how hard the situation is. Strength is what I know, what I have always been about. Strength is the key to making her see me in that way again, but the strength that I'm searching for isn't coming. Desperation starts to make it's way to my head and heart. Maybe I will fail. I have never truly failed at something before. I know there's a first for everything, but does my first have to be with this? Something as important as winning Rachel?

Only the nights feel good. In the night, I feel her, I feel her warmth, I smell her scent, I feel her presence, she's all around me.

Then I wake up, and every morning I feel new tears pressing against my eyelids, like I lose her again everyday. By the time Friday rolls around, the loneliness of before is back, fiercer than ever, knowing how much I am truly missing out on. Nobody is there for me.

* * *

_Never felt so alone_

_Stripped naked and cold to the bone_

_Lost my faith in her on my own_

_With no queue by the door to my home

* * *

_She looks at me, smiling, surrounded by light.

"Quinn, I'm so sorry. You are right. It's not me. I don't want to push you away anymore."  
"I deserved it, Rachel. Please, I beg you, will you be with me? I know you like this for so short, but I have still missed you so much!"

She steps closer to me, and places her hands on my shoulders, and says:

"I know."  
She gives me a push, and I fall down. The light that shines from her is too bright, and she looks way taller than 5"2.

"I don't care," She tells me. Then suddenly she's gone, and only now I see that everything was dark all along accept for her.

I am naked, alone, in the darkness, and cold. With her, my light and warmth had gone away.

I wake up and sit up straight, gasping for breath, tears streaming from my eyes. This is the first time the dream has ended like this. It usually ends with us kissing or making love or spending the night or something else very pleasant, then I wake up, and then I lose her. But now, she's lost in my dream already. And I know what that means. I lost my last ounce of hope, even my subconscious lost faith in a happy ending. The desperation is worse than ever, and I feel like I want to scream. I don't. But I keep on crying, and can't help the slightly hysterical - yet, relatively silent - sobs that break from my throat. It's dark like in my dream, and cold, but I'm not naked, and more importantly...

I'm not alone.

* * *

_And God sent an angel_

_An angel_

_She's an angel_

_An angel

* * *

_I feel a small comforting hand resting on my knee. My first guess is that Brittany must have heard me, but I feel myself calming down so quickly by the touch alone, that I start to doubt it. I don't know who else it could be, but Brittany's touch has never had this impact on me.

"Please, don't cry," I hear a voice like honey plead to me. I cry harder. It's her, and I can hear it. I even hear her when I'm awake now. My insanity is official.

"No, no, I said don't cry, not cry harder! Shush, it's alright, I promise."

"It's not alright! She's not here!"

"Maybe, maybe not. At least I am. Not sure if I am the one you were hoping for, but here I am anyway. I will try my very hardest to provide to you any comfort and consolation that I can possibly give."

Definitely not Brittany. Sweet breaths tickle my face, and I turn on the light beside my bed.

My first thought is that God had sent an angel for my rescue.

My second thought is that it's Rachel.

My third thought is, that both are true. Because it is Rachel. And she is an angel. One to magically appear in my room at the time I need her the most.

I don't question her yet, I bury my face into her neck, and let the tears flow. It feels so good to have her arms around me, that the crying really isn't that bad.

Not with this comfort.

She puts her hand on my belly, where my child was resting, and the warmth there spreads throughout my body.

"Lie down."  
I obey immediately, and joy rushes through my veins when she comes to lie next to me, keeping her hand on my belly.

"How did you get here?"  
"Window. Been sneaking in here all week."  
"I did feel you in my dreams. But you're like a stalker, or Edward Cullen from Twilight."  
"I prefer the handsome vampire over the Swimfan kind of type, if you don't mind."  
"I pick neither, I think you're an angel."

"I'm not, I'm very much only human."  
"You can say that, but I still think you're an angel."

"Can you forgive me for my horrible behavior?"  
"Can you promise me not to do it again?"  
"I can, and will, and hereby do."  
"You're forgiven, then. Are we even now?"

"Yes. Like a well balanced-out Libra."

"Thank you! I was starting to lose hope!"

"I was starting to notice. Now, sleep. And let your dreams be guided by your newly re-acquired hope."

I curl up against her, and though part of me feels the need to cry some more, I feel so much calmer that I obey, and fall asleep.

* * *

_It's not my life that's obsolete_

_It's youth, my youth_

_Guess it took a while for me to see the truth, see the truth_

_I got stuck in minor details so I missed the point_

_I got so much more than I bargained for

* * *

_It's Monday morning again. I haven't seen her since she said goodbye Saturday morning. She had to go home, her dads would be getting worried. Again, I stand in front of the WMHS, half an hour early. Scared. I walk in, and yet again, I don't see her anywhere. My heart sinks to my stomach, where it's getting kicked by my baby. Frantically, I look around me, but she's not there. When the bell rings, I run to my class. In there, I feel myself getting sick. It starts as just panic, wondering where she could be, but when the morning sickness adds to it, I ask for permission to go to the bathroom. Of course, when a pregnant girl wants to go to the bathroom, the teacher is all too willing to let her go. I make my way to the nearest bathroom, and start hurling into the toilet. Others can just forget about their problems, and sometimes, I can too, but never for too long. A kick, a need to vomit, so many things inside my body remind me of her presence. Every reaction that she brings out inside of me remind me that my future is a dark tunnel, it's made out of uncertainties. I don't know what I want, I don't know what will happen.

I feel a hand on my head, and it starts holding my hair back as I go at it for another round. When I'm finished, I wipe my mouth, flush the toilet and start brushing my teeth - after a few times of throwing up at school, I made sure to always bring a toothbrush - and I am not even really surprised that Rachel was the one holding my hair.

"I don't understand how you do it. It looks so hard."

"You don't think about it, you just go through with it."

"Is it really that easy? I mean, you're giving up your youth for something that you never wanted."

"It really isn't that bad. I guess it took a while for me to see the truth, but... Nothing is really that bad, as long as you're not alone. And even though I have been a lot lately, right now it _really_ isn't that bad."

As long as I'm not alone, everything else is only minor. The point is that I have her beside me right now.

It's now that I realize, that being strong wasn't the answer. She never liked me when I was strong. She's always there when I'm weak. Maybe my strength is not the answer, but my weakness is.

"Well, of course I do have to go back to class in a short while, I asked for a hall pass when I saw you run past but I should be getting back soon. Though, for now I'm here with you, and that's gotta count for something."

I rinse, turn and smile at her. Her eyes are earnest, begging me for as much honesty as I can muster.

It makes my smile widen, and giving in to her silent request, I do the first thing that I honestly have been waiting to do. I bend my head and press my lips to hers.

When I pull back, her eyes flutter open, and I decide to keep up the honesty, and keep the harsh exterior to a minimum. It seems to be working for me, judging by the helpless desire and piles of emotions behind her eyes.  
"It counts for everything," I reply. "You are so much more than I bargained for."


End file.
